Not Gonna Be Locked Up

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perspective

Just like that the sun disappeared & the blue & black clouds rolled in with their billowing hang in the air. An ominous moving mass, heavy & loaded with precipitation. The temperature didn't drop, but the wind certainly picked up. Quickly we scurried into the house waiting for hell to blow over...which it did as quickly as it blew in. 


The rushing water was still pouring down the driveways into the streets while the clouds busted apart & began letting the suns rays push back through. It wasn't a particularly warm rain, as it was only late May in Minnesota, but the ground was hot from the unseasonably sweltering ninety-two-degree day. The air felt steamy as the winds left. 


Some things never change...out into the ending mist I romp with my children to stomp in the puddles & let the dwindling rushing water pass around my feet. I trudge into the gutter & became a barrier against the water. As I looked down, for whatever reason, it caught my eye. There I was. Or, should I say, my Peter Pan shadow rippled on  the surface in front of me. Time at that moment had no boundary. There was no clear picture of this person who's reflection touched from my toes. Just a rippling, waffling shadow of someone.


Most days that's how I feel. That's my perspective on my life. Just this shape of a person, obviously solid in form, but with an outer edge that morphs & changes with the surrounding environment. An analogy of my life danced in the water flowing past me in the gutter...who am I?


Perspective is like karma, it presents itself in the most everyday moments. Here I stand reveling in creating a rapid in the chilly water, regressing into my childhood feeling free & connected with the spring rain! Stomping & splashing in the water like it was the first time & I am stopped by my reflection of my shadowy-self. Things that make you go hhhmmm.


Some might have stopped & said their silhouette looks pretty good in that shadow or they see themselves as taller. Some would not notice that shadow at all. Yet others would kick water into it as if to make it disappear, disgusted with their reflection. Their transference of self. For me I internalize the connection to my feet & am tickled inside with the fleeting thought of Dr. Suess in this almost nonsensical moment with "Oh, the Places You'll Go". 

"You have brains in your head.

 You have feet in your shoes.

 You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

 You're on your own.

 And you know what you know.

 And YOU are the gal who'll decide where to go...

 Oh the Place You'll Go!"

And with that moment, it fleets away as quickly as the water, as I move to create a damn with my feet so the water rushes up too my shins! My children are impressed...and in that present moment of my being, my shadow has lost my attention as quickly as it had caught it.


But upon later reflection, it gave me food for thought in really who am I & how does my perspective influence me? Is it intertwined with experience? Does it influence automatically like my lungs breath & my heart pumps blood? Or is it intentional critical thought? Did I transcend from being an observer to being an inquirer? A questioner? A critical thinker? 


Not likely...just easily distracted & I have the innate ability to see things in a different way. They have diagnosed me with ADHD, so there's my claim to distractability fame. 


Kinda rolls off the tongue fun doesn't it!
"Claim to distractability fame" (LOL!)


Maybe it was the drug use in the earlier years? 
   That affects everything. 
Maybe it's all the prescription meds I took to make me not have such a distorted perspective?
To grasp reality better & function on a more even playing field.
Residual? 
   Could be?
Flashbacks?
   Not anymore, thank God!!


NNNAAAAAAHHHH....it's just who I am & how I am evolving, 
I say to me...Right on Chica'! And trudging in the rain swollen gutters with blurts of...
Oh the Places I'll Go!
(Let's hope I ALWAYS make it back...)

OMG!

OMG!

OMG!

OMG!

OMG!

OMG!

OMG!

OMG!

OMG!

OMG! OMG! OMG!

* This is my Blog & this post was completely for ME! hehe :)

Irony & I Should Of Had A Clue

This depicts my life lesson day today...only I didn't kick Calvin's Ass!! 
But that is EXACTLY what I wanted to do! EXCEPT...it wasn't Calvin.


IRONY presents itself so often, at the most inopportune moments.


IRONY: PART 1
I ventured into this P/T job "for all the right reason's". Despite being warned by a trusted friend, "not to even go there with that person. They are an absentee owner & pretty messed up in the head!" 
Did I listen?
NO....
I was telling my parents about this adventure & my father was shaking his head for the bazillianth time thinking exactly what my mother said out loud... "Two Weeks! We give you two weeks before you quit!"
Hahahaahaha....you guys are so funny. No really, this is gonna be a perfect solution; hours don't interfere with the husbands sleep schedule, work schedule, he can get the children off to school those days & even though the pay is what I was making back in 1987....it will cover my daughters gymnastic tuition. It's win-win.
Yup! 
Win-Win...




IRONY: PART 2
When I worked two hours & was told she would get back to me on the schedule...
I should of had a clue.


When the next day, my second day of work, that wasn't on the schedule, because I still hadn't gotten it, would have been my second day of training, turned into my second day of work & training myself kind-of-day, because the other P/T, who was to sick to work, couldn't work, asked me to work, AND since I am most likely gonna work, because it's about making extra money, I said, "yeah, I'll work"...
I should of had a clue.


When the owner text me at 9:00pm the night before my second day of work, not scheduled, with 2 hours of training, and wanted to know if I had a key to open...
I should of had a clue.


When I asked if I couldn't open up the door because the key was sticky, "what should I do?", I was told to call someone who would get up @ 4:30am, because it's not her! She has a day job.
I should of had a clue.


When I then inquired about the best way to reach her, the boss/owner, in case I couldn't work, for whatever reason, I was told "to work it out amongst myself & my co-workers"...
I should of had a clue.


When I was cleaning the bathroom & on top of the toilet was a plate of inspirational stones: HOPE, LOVE, PEACE, SERENITY
All lying in a bed of muted earthen colored pebbles, how peaceful. I noticed, tucked into the corner of those serene pebbles, were two pennies...her 2 Cents WORTH?
I should of had a clue.


When the P/T'er asked me two days later to switch days...
I should of had a clue.


When the only person, the F/T'er, who knew more of what to do than the boss/owner, announced on my third day of work, on a schedule that I still did not have, she put in her two weeks notice...
I should of had a clue.


When I saw all the previous years taxes, ledger & business financials just tossed into the filing cabinet...
I should of had a clue.


When the boss/owner posted a random inquiry on her Facebook page seeking a buyer for a business under $45, which was the almost exact amount of debt against the business, which were laying in the filing cabinet next to the Energy Shake Mixes & pedometers...
I should of had a clue.


When the first payroll check was short hours & made no possible sense to how those hours were determined...
I GOT A CLUE!

IRONY: PART 3

Dear Boss/Owner,

I am submitting my two weeks notice...

SO, I made it two weeks before quitting...then worked my notice! SO THERE!

When the boss/owner's reply was a day later as, "K"...

I definitely had a clue.

When the second pay check was short hours, it wasn't about having a clue, it was now about SHIT JUST HIT THE FAN~!!

That long story that I can summate into this:

She's been a business owner 6.5 months

I've been a business owner 11.5 years

Let's just say I got my paychecks rectified...quickly. 
Despite being unfriended on Facebook & LinkedIn--really?!

IRONY: PART 4
SO what is all this rambling about you may ask.


I SHOULD of had a clue.
I WOULD of had a clue.
I COULD of had a clue.


Should-a, Would-a, Could-a. Repeating another life lesson. It finally dawned on me today that ironically I seem to repeat this lesson about every decade. You'd think after 46 years I'd see it coming? Although, my mother says with each decade it matters less about them & more about us, as individual women. So I can certainly look forward to my 50's with the clarity & attitude of a mature woman who COULD give two shits about your crap--it's my life!

Irony Is
My Last Will & Testament: add to my epitaph the above image.


SO, if  I am to accept this lesson, which history has predicted it will probably be presented again in the next decade, hhhhhmmmmmm...maybe I should grab a Corona while I ponder this & do this kind of reflecting. 
(I think better drinking Corona Light with lime)


1) REFLECTING upon the influencers of my life
2) REGARDING the female influencers that made profound negative affects to my life.
3) RESULTS of those influences
4) LESSON learned or not learned


1-10 yrs
My first babysitter: I hate peas to this day. But, I have learned to eat them when in certain situations--you know, weddings, funerals, visiting relatives.
A Nun at Assisi Heights (instructor for an art class): I ALWAYS color outside the lines...especially when told NOT too! My creative success comes from the push against criteria, when it can be defended & explained in an articulate manner justifying your reasoning's to actually become new criteria. It has proven successful in all work I produce for clients or myself.


11-20 yrs
Cheerleaders in high school: it's not what you know, it's who you know. So, I got to know people that could influence...although much later in life. And eventually realized I wouldn't have personality wise made a very good cheerleader. Would not have been a good lily pad so -to-say.


21-30 yrs
First live-in boyfriends mother: NEVER think, no matter how crazy the man's mother is, that they will choose you over their mother! NEVER! Crazy mother's raise mother dependent boys. When these mother's from love you like their own daughter, be prepared to then be easily thrown to the wolves & turned out into the cold in the blink of an eye. So always be able to land on your feet like a cat & NEVER, NEVER, EVER, concern yourself with men & their mother's drama...it's been there since birth & will never go away. Just let her make that special food item & eat it with a smile.


31-40 yrs
Decorator/Boss: I was an interim for the last boss that got fired until the company could buy out a local decorator as part of the deal to acquire her clients (which I found out about after she was hired). I was ranked in the top ten company-wide in sales, longest staffer in the department & did all the department display work--apparently I was a threat. Bye-Bye Lizzi! I learned many, many years later, that not all lily pads are the ones we are suppose to be on & when your light & talent are brighter & shinier than the boss, you may easily end up in the unemployment line. But, being a business owner/designer now, she has shown respect for me because NOW she wants my business. My dad always said be careful how you treat people & what bridge you burn, it may be the one that leads to them being  your boss one day & vice-versa. Good advice. (PS I do use her for business, because despite what she did to me, she is the most experienced in town at what she does...I'm not a stupid!) Forgiveness.
Mentor/Friend: I roped myself into a project I did not have any experience or knowledge in doing. I consulted the one lady I felt could best advise me because of her experience. She gave me no discernible advice & made her disgust & angst known. I have spoken very little to her since. After 20 years, I was more heart-broken that she took away the friendship, as well as completely disappointing me professionally. I decided that I would not allow her to define me or hold me back, I took off the blinders & used my head to complete the project...with outstanding & long-lasting results. NO regrets!


41-46 yrs
Ex-Husband's Ex Wife: She destroyed what tiny amicable relationship I had with my ex. Subjected my child to things I will never be able to repair or undo. Almost broke me emotionally & financially. Almost lost my romantic relationship, college degree, business & sanity. I decided, like a cog clicking into place, that she could no longer have that power over me. She is now and ex-wife. My child is now free of her horrid dealings. My ex husband is still an asshole, and I'm almost financially clear of the legal fees. No woman will ever, EVER, threaten me or my family legally like that again. EVER!! 


AND FINALLY, we complete the story with what we began with...the P/T job where,
I should of had a clue. 
I stood up, said FUCK YOU, PAY ME! 
I stood up & said, you're a piece of shit who won't do to me what you did to all the other woman of your business.
I stood up & said I hold you accountable for your actions.
I stood up & said this is not my failure or problem, it's all yours.
I stood up, without question & decided from the heart, that the failure of this woman, was only a reflection of some of my own shortcomings & a chance for me to release the woes that I have been subjected to.
I am standing here to proclaim I have worth. I have talents. I am an open heart who shares willingly. BUT I WILL NOT be taken advantage of... consciously...maybe intentionally, depending on the circumstances, but in relation to the negative generality of being taken advantage of, I will stand up now & say your barking up the wrong tree.


IRONICALLY, I HAVE a clue now.

3 Self Affirmations

So often we think we know people. We make the assumption we understand who they are.
So when something accidentally comes out in a conversation that seems left field, it can change everything about your perspective & leave someone feeling a bit embarrassed or humiliated, depending upon the circumstance. 

Is that why people say:

Be careful of who you talk too.

Don't say anything out loud that you don't want repeated!

Choose your words carefully.

I used to exert  myself with those mental notes. Those save-your-ass rules to communication. And you know what I discovered? If you have been following this blog or know me personally, you will know that,

"I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand."

AFFIRMATION #1- Don't Assume

Isn't this reflective of the Golden Rule & judge not lest ye be judged?


This statement rang so loud & true I had to step back, turn on 4 Non-Blondes, "What's Up" and Indigo Girls, "Closer to Fine", and listen to them over & over. WHY? Because even to this day, after 11 years as a business owner, it is still being suggested to me to apply for a open position at so & so. Because I have been told by them I am truly not a business owner & I should put this silliness away & go work for someone. That the legitimacy for me, as a female, is to go work FOR SOMEBODY, because I am not a business owner.

Until recently, those pokes & prods & jabs have bruised my ribs...until I decided to get out of the way & not take it. I decided I am not going to live my whole life feeling stupid because of someone else's stupidity. Why the hell would I ever not have enough worth to retain something so valuable? Why the hell would I allow that to happen? TO give away such power within myself?
BECAUSE, it started when I was little & didn't ever let up...there was always someone to simply suggest what I should be doing.

I recently had my tarot done & basically she said that my whole life I have been pushed down because of my talent...but the talent is bigger than their ability to push it down & I am now stuck in the could-a, would-a, should-a cycle because of it.

BOOM BABY!! That's what I have to say! I am hear to tell the world...
I'm a fish who can climb a tree!!

AFFIRMATION #2- Wisdom of Elders (well most elders..)

STOP LAUGHING!!
If fashion still defined corsets are common articles of undergarments, I guarantee you I could do this same thing! And my husband would LOVE strapping me into a corset...that's all I'm gonna say on that subject.

So I'm the chick with the big tits. Yeah for me. My friends used to hand me their beers to stuff into my shirt when we went to the movies..."here Lizzi, you can hide a six pack in there!"
And when I was nursing my children, people would laugh & say, "what do you do with all the extra milk?"
Or, can you see your feet? What do you think moron...
Then you have the booth issue in the family restaurants...let's just say we take bets every time we go to sit down, on how far onto the table they will land. "Pardon me honey, can we move the table or switch sides?"
Oh, and the, "You don't run do you?" Not unless I want to knock my ass out I don't!
Or when you meet someone new (that's both male & female), and your talking, and...it's... like...Hello!...Hey!... You-Who!....I know they are ginormous, but I'm up here!

HOW is any of this an affirmation?
Simple...

I walk around this planet with this person inside this ginormous body! I mean, unless I have to squeeze my ass into a waiting room seat or more importantly a booth in a family restaurant (as previously noted!), I am this skinny woman running around in this obese body. It's not until I see myself in something reflective (I don't recommend door knobs by-the-way--just keep walking), that I realize...Holy Balls! Who is that person staring back at me?!

My girlfriends who haven't seen me in awhile, will usually right off the bat comment, "they keep getting bigger!" They have this minor envy, as if having a shelf & near 40 pounds hanging from your chest were a blessing. I know there are many women who pay exorbanant amounts of money to add this, so called luxury, to their bodies. They do this as if having a huge chest will bring them something they are seeking; respect, attention, envy & God-only knows what else. Tomato-Tamato, Potato-Patato, Size DDD-Size I WISH MINE WERE THAT BIG! We all respond differently.

Here's the deal...I've never seen my breasts as an ornament or something I can leverage for power. They are one part of my beauty as a woman & have a specific purpose. I was blessed with the ability to have precious time with all three of my children from the moment they were born into this world. To sustain them with the purest & most perfect food they will ever have taken into their bodies. My children are very healthy & skirt many of the common illnesses that travel throughout the school systems & general public. I would like to attribute that to me having breast feed them beyond their first birthdays. Breastfeeding in itself subjected me to some pretty harsh criticism & a few public confrontations, to which I always prevailed! So for me, it's a two-fold reality. My breast are extremely large & instead of allowing that to ruin my self-worth, I embrace them & find clean humor in it--much healthier, don't you agree? AND I have precious memories of those private moments only shared by a mother & her nursing children. So in either case, your opinions or judgments could easily sway lesser of a women...but fortunately for me, it has made me a better woman. These are deep convictions & some basic strengths of my character...as you can see, easily misjudged.

AFFIRMATION #3- Don't Judge a Book by it's Cover

My Chaotic Chi Place

This is one for Universe/God/Spirit...

Didn't really recognize this divine place I am moving towards. 

This calm. 

In the midst of my chaotic,middle of my day, when the schedule really starts to heat up, I was apologized to for "them" having taken up my time, because they know how busy I am. And as naturally & matter-of-factly I said, just like that, "no worries, as it's all good. My life is mostly in disarray, from sun-up to sun-down, & this new found bliss or calm you hear in my voice, is "my chaotic chi place". So what's up? There's always time for you!".

It was a couple hours later that I realized how prolific what I just said was! 
Did I just unconsciously slide right into an ephiphany? 

In that moment I had absolutely no influence from my past--no little voice inside my head telling me, 

"you don't do this"
 or 
"you don't do that"
or
"your never gonna get it done".
bla bla bla - - -

Instead, there was this moment to which only could have happened because I was actually being present. 

I was being present in the moment!

HOLY BALLS!!

Anyone who knows me, knows me as the a person with FAR TO MANY THINGS going on. 

Doors open !!

Drawers open !! 

Never-ending TO-DO list !!

The "HOW DO YOU DO IT?!" list.

The - "How do you raise three kids?"

The - "How do you not collapse?"

The - "When do you sleep?"

The - "I can't believe you get all that done in a morning?!!"

The - "AND, you run a business?"

The - "When do you take time for you?"

It's a huge never-ending list of inquiries. And you know what I discovered? 

All this time, I've been searching for time, when the time I was wasting, looking for time, was the time I should have been present & engaging as me!

Did you catch that? Let me say it again only louder!!

All this time, I've been searching for time, when the time I was wasting, looking for time, was the time I should have been present & engaging as me! 

My life is me! 
I am living the life I created. 
That's about me. 
I've had the perspective wrong all this time. 
I've spent SO MUCH time trying to carve out time for "me time" , when it was me just trying to get away from me! 
I guess it is easier to say mommy time

or

lizzi time

or

girl-friend time
or 

a small get-away time
or 
quiet time...
All definitely me-time, but really, me time is every single minute of every-single-day!

How could I be missing so much? 

My perspective changed.

The way I looked at things changed.

The way I internalized things changed.

The gratitude I feel in my heart, changed.

NO, I'm not a decade older either. (That actually crossed my mind--"did I just turned 50 or something, have a change in life & miss the last 4 years?) But, no. It wasn't a milestone that gave me moment to pause & be in receipt of this tremendous view...

It was that single moment, in my everyday life, that I was present for...and listening...


I was present for & listening.

PAY ATTENTION...geez

I know someone who always follows their ramble with, "does that make sense?" So, not only do I have to be responsible for what I was saying, but now I HAVE TO understand everything they were saying?..geez.


I've learned that so often, more than not, friends or business associates really don't want your opinion, they just want your attention. For you to listen. To listen enough, that your following in case they actually throw into the conversation, "well what do you think?" or "don't you agree?" 


( Shit! )
Think fast! 


"Well I wasn't quite clear on the last part?!"


OR


"Oh, I just want you to be (happy, completely resolved, relieved...a verb that fits the conversation), all the while offering the repeating non-verbal gesture of empathy...unless your on the phone, then it would be the nonsensical noises...uh-huh, yah, oh!, really?, oh yes, mmmmmm, oooohhhh!.


This is for those days that I'm just, to, tired, mentally, physically or spiritually. Otherwise I make the truest effort to be present & engaged in the conversation. 


BECAUSE....
KARMA will kick your ass every single time!! 


This does not mean if for some ADHD reason, which I am prone too, if I drift off, get distracted or loose interest, am I responsible for you understanding what I am saying & vice-versa. See how cool that is? You get off the hook too!


So now that we have cleared that up, I don't have to ask you "does that make sense?" Because, well, it's your job to understand. 


What a load off my shoulders....