Have you ever been just sitting there & all of the sudden you feel like doing something nice for someone you care for? An inspirational or random act of kindness?
That's GOD talking to you through the Holy Spirit
Have you ever been down & out & nobody seems to be around for you to talk to ?
That's GOD wanting you to talk to Him.
Have you ever received something wonderful that you didn't ask for, like money in the mail, a debt that had mysteriously been cleared, or a coupon to a department store where you had just seen something your needed, but couldn't afford?
That's GOD knowing the desires of your heart.
Have you ever been in a situation & you had no clue how it was going to get better, how the hurting would stop, how the pain would ease, but now, you look back on it...
That's GOD passing us through tribulation to see a brighter day.
Do you think these things are accidental or explainable, just like reading this?
I recently terminated a commitment I thought I desperately needed in my life. Instead it brought more internal suffering & angst to my mind. The restlessness was becoming unbearable! Several days following what I thought was an innovative meeting & a beginning to a solid foundation in this relationship, I was suddenly left dumb-founded. Like a light had come on. Not really an ah-ha moment...but more of a WTF? kinda moment.
"Did I just give myself completely away without any regard
to my own needs?"
Feeling anxiety from what was appearing to be lack of judgement I ignored my inner insanity rambling inside my head & went about my day. I met up with a client & friend. It was a nice change of pace, as she drove, which was such a tremendously break from all the miles on put on my JETTA every day--I could just relax in the shot-gun position. We laughed & chatted & for some reason she interjected,
"What's up Chica?"
I could hardly breathe...the lump in my throat was enormous! I wasn't giving a speech. I wasn't facing a firing squad. And without any effort, as obviously I was filled beyond any capacity of holding it in anymore, I asked her...
"You one said, I am one of the nicest people you have ever meet & worried about hurting me. Am I so nice that I am an easy mark to be taken advantage of?"
yes.
I couldn't see from the well of tears that began flowing out...
She asked what happened. I told her a summation of recent events that had brought me to this stepping off or falling down point in my life.
Now mind you, this woman is someone whom I highly respect for many reason's but primarily because of her candor & unwavering character.
She went on to admit it is hard sometimes when we do business, to not take advantage of me & my good nature. If we weren't such good friends, she probably would, because she's NOT going to be taken advantage of herself. She said she was a real bitch. I laughed at this point with joy, because she really defines the word bitch. She's not the stereotypical scary bitch you might envision...she's very generous, loving & intelligent. And she also has great insight & experience. I love her perspective!
I said, "Can I learn to be more of a bitch?"
She said, "Oh no honey! It's just who you are. And you are a really nice & generous woman who gives to much of herself. You need to learn to stand up for yourself & say no! You need to learn to get what's yours & take it! Crying ain't gonna help you. Going after what's yours, will. You won't be left a victim. I WILL NEVER BE A VICTIM." At this point she went on to share a very private stepping off point in her life as a young woman that changed her world & how she handled it. That point was when she decided to NEVER be a victim of anything or anyone again--and she said she hasn't. Truly a Carpe' Diem moment.
SO many things became very clear that afternoon.
SO many things I have denied myself because I was listening to people tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing.
SO many heart-aches & voices preaching restraint.
I'm kicking that shit to the curb--
With that decision I began to feel like the character from the mind of Shel Silverstein.
It is me now peering over "Where the Sidewalk Ends".
My life has been filled with karma & irony as of late. There hasn't been a day that's gone by where I haven't found a penny. Stop lights are green & parking places are in front. And anytime I can skip a stone across the water, I do so while wishing for my purpose to become clear. I've always believed the more skips across the surface, the closer I am to that voice. That purpose. I'm always seeking clarity by trying to be present in my life. I've consciously made the effort to surround myself with less chaos & more order as some rational means of minimizing distractions. I believe the more ripples I put in the water, the more that will eventually come back to me. God & nature's way of connecting our energies towards harmony.
With my regret & resignation, there was still a gap in my life. No new insight to the paralysis of seeking who I am. This resignation became the lightening rod to clarity of self I was seeking.
That's GOD knowing the desires of your heart.
I knew what I needed to do but until now had no self worth in doing it. The more my purpose became clear, the more I avoided it. So many people have been telling me my whole life...
"You need to look out for yourself & not worry about anyone else...
or
"You need to give back all that you have received."
In either philosophy there wasn't any means of getting off the path.
It was all or nothing.
Black or white.
Selfish or unconditional.
So ingrained.
BUT...at this point in my life, I feel like stepping off.
Pushing my chest out, extending my head back to face the sky, my shoulder blades wanting to touch, eyes closed in grace...a free fall...it would feel like rest to my mind.
I have spent so much time being everyone's cheerleader, I have lost myself. All the things that I have wanted for myself have been on the back burner for so long that I reached a point of just giving up & accepting my fate as being the guide for others. Being their inspiration. Their motivation. Their courage to step off. But, I am left with an empty void & exhausted. AND, in those moments, my children need me...or my business needs me...or my family & friends need me....something outside of me, needs me. Am I grateful for being surrounded by such love? Yes! But I have grown tired. I have grown hungry for what my heart screams. I've turned excitement for my passion into sorrow & sadness.
I must sit down & take in the view from the edge. Silence in the moment, before stepping off. I mean, let's be realistic, maybe I'm just loosing my mind! If so, then it is as He designed it & it is not for me to question. So I will sit down, take a load off & allow in what my heart is demanding of my head. To accept that never in my life have I truly steeped up & said,
THIS IS what I love!
THIS IS what I need to do for myself & my children.
THIS IS my time to give the world what I believe I was meant to be.
THIS IS exactly as HE planned it!
I AM at that jumping off place...
This is unfamiliar territory. And for the first time I am actually jazzed & motivated to walk through it to see where it leads me.
That's GOD passing us through tribulation to see a brighter day.
I believe letting go is the practice needed to commit to stepping off the edge of what has always been your life. It is the art needed before venturing into what you were destined to do...
if its not...you end up insane & not even having a clue....
With warm regards,
