Not Listening!

There's a certain amount of self torture in being an artist. It's the push against that behavior that steers us away from our art. Like an addict, we come back to it. We either become comfortable with this vicious circle & pang to our existence or just plain go friggin crazy! I'm leaning towards the "I know I seem a bit crazy--that's because in the "normal" world, I AM!" kinda comfortable place to be...I believe that falls in between the panging existence & friggin crazy!

I used to sit in circles of could-a, would-a, should-a's...it was killing me. I was completely suffocating & the pain of being there & listening to the broken record was driving me back to illicit drug use. AND, by all my experience, I  KNOW, despite the temporary blissful insanity of that journey, it leaves you broke, your skin (amongst other things) looking like complete shit! & everything you left behind to consume copious amounts of whatever, the problems that are still there--except your brain hurts more. Not to mention you acquire a whole new set of friends that have nothing in common with you, except the trip you've jut been on to la-la-la-whateva'.

SO...NOW WHAT?!
PERSPECTIVE!
Where to get it?
KARMA always brings it...! 
KARMA slipped this in front of me this morning as I moved from thing to thing...

How To Feel Miserable As An Artist 
(or what not to do)

     

Constantly compare yourself to others.
I actually gave this up in art school. I learned quickly that when you do this, they take your ideas & mind fuck you so they can have the artistic advantage. My art is not about them! That's not why your doing art! If it were they would be considered your client & you would be working for someone. It's about what's inside. Something you have to share with the world--timing is everything & then again it's nothing. Doing art is a life's work. Appreciation for others work is good karma.

Talk to your family about what you do & EXPECT them to cheer you on.
This will never change, EXCEPT the EXPECT part. I'm my biggest cheerleader & nobody else! Although, I do, by habit & nature, keep looking to my family for understanding...and they keep thinking I'm crafty. Um. Yeah...crafty. nice.

Base the success of your entire career on one project.
This reminds me of the guy who caught the winning football just as the clock ran out to win the state championship for their school. And that's the story they tell every reunion...every party...every fucking time you see them at a social engagement!! This is death! Not happening. No way, no how. A great project is great, but that's the step to the next great project...and so on and so forth...art is a lifetime project! Each project is inspiration to something more--success OR failure!

Stick with what you know.
Here's the deal...I DON'T KNOW SHIT! I mean, I know a lot about a lot of things, mastered none of them as far as I am concerned, but could never imagine picking any one of those things & sticking with it. Again...this is death! The older I get the more I appreciate the liability of distraction...it is the insatiable appetite of curiosity! It keeps me exploring ideas & mediums & solutions to problems. NO STICKING ALLOWED!

Undervalue your expertise.
Got this perspective most recently. First I need to have a handle on what my expertise is. I've been walking around feeling more like a Jack-Of-All-Trades & Master-Of-None. If I truly embraced what I am an expertise in, then, maybe I would have some basis for determining my value. But then again, that makes me feel like I'm sticking to what I know, which contradicts my curious nature. I 'm already the only one of my kind--an original. So just being that, I should know what my value is. Although, I am a generous woman to fault. Generosity undermines my value. I will have to re-visit this about myself, as put a value on my "expertise" doesn't align with the economic reality of my world. Finding a balance & worth is of more value right now.

Let money dictate what you do.
Where do you think the term "starving artist" originated from? Artists either have great vanity in their work & reap those financial benefits. Or they never worry about money because they are to busy being creative & engaged in the moments of brilliance. This is a generality with perspective. If you want to make a living with your art, then money will dictate what you produce. I mean, everyone could love & appreciate your shit, but if they aren't buying it, the light to the gallery get shut off & your dead in the water. BUT, they love your work! Balance...being highly sought after...while recognizing when your starving!!

Bow to societal pressures.
Hmmmmm....makes me think of the photography industry. We've gone from plates, to film, to digital camera's, to no film, to electronic devices, to now Photoshop & cloud storing. There was a time of tactical appreciation for capturing a moment in time. You could pick up a picture, flip through a photo album & appreciate a photo on the wall. NOW? Society wants it now, with no regard to quality, just the latest technology that's the fastest...the easiest...the most convenient. Industries dissolve as time passes. But, to allow impulsivity to define character, class & respect for gifted artist by replacing them with self-serving methods of operation is succumbing to society's demands. Roads that diverge in the woods....

Only do work that your family would love.
I tried to fill this mold for years, but by my basic nature I completely failed & fell short of their acceptable ways of living. I remember going to family reunions, where & my cousins, aunts & uncles sarcastically asking so what are you doing now? hahahaha. I replied with, "you can't keep up? I'm doing what I want! I'm not miserable doing something I hate." They all looked down & shut-up. Don't condemn someone because you don't understand their method of operation. It's their life. Family never has a clue.

Do whatever the client/customer/gallery owner/patron/investor asks.
Um...yeah. Note to bowing above & if your are the expert then...um...I guess they should be consulting you? This I know from my remodeling business. Clients have said, "well so & so said bla bla bla...and they are the expert." I replied with, "expert in what?" That's all well & good if it resolves the design project to meet your needs. BUT, does it?" Unless my art is created under criteria of a client, it's all about my interpretation. If it's created under the criteria of a client, it's all about EXCEEDING their criteria. Knowing the difference here determines the value of my end product....ah-ha! Maybe I am an expert in something?!

Set unachievable/overwhelming goals, to be achieved by tomorrow.

PERFECTIONIST in bed with PROCRASTINATION!! Definitely got this one mastered & I can truly say I am an expert in this! The ban of what I do...BUT, using the Laws of Attraction to counter my basic nature. I will prevail...maybe....hahahaha!

NOW, I think I'll go "craft" something...
...but not feel miserable.

Stepping Off Point

Have you ever been just sitting there & all of the sudden you feel like doing something nice for someone you care for? An inspirational or random act of kindness?

That's GOD talking to you through the Holy Spirit

Have you ever been down & out & nobody seems to be around for you to talk to ?

That's GOD wanting you to talk to Him.

Have you ever received something wonderful that you didn't ask for, like money in the mail, a debt that had mysteriously been cleared, or a coupon to a department store where you had just seen something your needed, but couldn't afford?

That's GOD knowing the desires of your heart.

Have you ever been in a situation & you had no clue how it was going to get better, how the hurting would stop, how the pain would ease, but now, you look back on it...

That's GOD passing us through tribulation to see a brighter day.

Do you think these things are accidental or explainable, just like reading this?

I recently terminated a commitment I thought I desperately needed in my life. Instead it brought more internal suffering & angst to my mind. The restlessness was becoming unbearable! Several days following what I thought was an innovative meeting & a beginning to a solid foundation in this relationship, I was suddenly left dumb-founded. Like a light had come on. Not really an ah-ha moment...but more of a WTF? kinda moment.

"Did I just give myself completely away without any regard

to my own needs?"

Feeling anxiety from what was appearing to be lack of judgement I ignored my inner insanity rambling inside my head & went about my day. I met up with a client & friend. It was a nice change of pace, as she drove, which was such a tremendously break from all the miles on put on my JETTA every day--I could just relax in the shot-gun position. We laughed & chatted & for some reason she interjected, 

"What's up Chica?"

I could hardly breathe...the lump in my throat was enormous! I wasn't giving a speech. I wasn't facing a firing squad. And without any effort, as obviously I was filled beyond any capacity of holding it in anymore, I asked her...

"You one said, I am one of the nicest people you have ever meet & worried about hurting me. Am I so nice that I am an easy mark to be taken advantage of?"

yes.

I couldn't see from the well of tears that began flowing out...

She asked what happened. I told her a summation of recent events that had brought me to this stepping off or falling down point in my life.

Now mind you, this woman is someone whom I highly respect for many reason's but primarily because of her candor & unwavering character.

She went on to admit it is hard sometimes when we do business, to not take advantage of me & my good nature. If we weren't such good friends, she probably would, because she's NOT going to be taken advantage of herself. She said she was a real bitch. I laughed at this point with joy, because she really defines the word bitch. She's not the stereotypical scary bitch you might envision...she's very generous, loving & intelligent. And she also has great insight & experience. I love her perspective!

I said, "Can I learn to be more of a bitch?"

She said, "Oh no honey! It's just who you are. And you are a really nice & generous woman who gives to much of herself. You need to learn to stand up for yourself & say no! You need to learn to get what's yours & take it! Crying ain't gonna help you. Going after what's yours, will. You won't be left a victim. I WILL NEVER BE A VICTIM." At this point she went on to share a very private stepping off point in her life as a young woman that changed her world & how she handled it. That point was when she decided to NEVER be a victim of anything or anyone again--and she said she hasn't. Truly a Carpe' Diem moment.

SO many things became very clear that afternoon.

SO many things I have denied myself because I was listening to people tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing.

SO many heart-aches & voices preaching restraint.

I'm kicking that shit to the curb--

With that decision I began to feel like the character from the mind of Shel Silverstein. 

It is me now peering over "Where the Sidewalk Ends".

My life has been filled with karma & irony as of late. There hasn't been a day that's gone by where I haven't found a penny. Stop lights are green & parking places are in front. And anytime I can skip a stone across the water, I do so while wishing for my purpose to become clear. I've always believed the more skips across the surface, the closer I am to that voice. That purpose. I'm always seeking clarity by trying to be present in my life. I've consciously made the effort to surround myself with less chaos & more order as some rational  means of minimizing distractions. I believe the more ripples I put in the water, the more that will eventually come back to me. God & nature's way of connecting our energies towards harmony.

With my regret & resignation, there was still a gap in my life.  No new insight to the  paralysis of seeking who I am. This resignation became the lightening rod to clarity of self I was seeking. 

That's GOD knowing the desires of your heart.

I knew what I needed to do but until now had no self worth in doing it. The more my purpose became clear, the more I avoided it. So many people have been telling me my whole life...

"You need to look out for yourself & not worry about anyone else...

or

"You need to give back all that you have received."

In either philosophy there wasn't any means of getting off the path.  

It was all or nothing. 

Black or white. 

Selfish or unconditional.

So ingrained.

BUT...at this point in my life, I feel like stepping off.

Pushing my chest out, extending my head back to face the sky, my shoulder blades wanting to touch, eyes closed in grace...a free fall...it would feel like rest to my mind.

I have spent so much time being everyone's cheerleader, I have lost myself. All the things that I have wanted for myself have been on the back burner for so long that I reached a point of just giving up & accepting my fate as being the guide for others. Being their inspiration. Their motivation. Their courage to step off. But, I am left with an empty void & exhausted. AND, in those moments, my children need me...or my business needs me...or my family & friends need me....something outside of me, needs me. Am I grateful for being surrounded by such love? Yes! But I have grown tired. I have grown hungry for what my heart screams. I've turned excitement for my passion into sorrow & sadness.

I must sit down & take in the view from the edge. Silence in the moment, before stepping off. I mean, let's be realistic, maybe I'm just loosing my mind! If so, then it is as He designed it & it is not for me to question. So I will sit down, take a load off & allow in what my heart is demanding of my head. To accept that never in my life have I truly steeped up & said, 

THIS IS what I love!

THIS IS what I need to do for myself & my children.

THIS IS my time to give the world what I believe I was meant to be.

THIS IS exactly as HE planned it!

I AM at that jumping off place...

This is unfamiliar territory. And for the first time I am actually jazzed & motivated to walk through it to see where it leads me. 

That's GOD passing us through tribulation to see a brighter day.

I believe letting go is the practice needed to commit to stepping off the edge of what has always been your life. It is the art needed before venturing into what you were destined to do...

if its not...you end up insane & not even having a clue....

With warm regards,

Lizzi 

See the rainbow?

I

was

told

to 

get 

back

to 

my 

seat

& 

pay

attention

...

BUT,

I 

said,

"there's

a

rainbow

outside!"

I

was 

then 

told

to 

raise

my 

hand

next

time

I 

had

something

to 

share

with 

the

class

...

SO,

I

raised

my 

hand.

...

"Yes,

Elizabeth,

what

is

it?"

I

said,

"there's

a

rainbow

outside!"

I 

was 

then

told

that

the 

rainbow

had

nothing

to

do 

with

the 

lesson

at

hand.

...

...

...

...

I 

again

raised

my 

hand.

"Yes

Elizabeth."

I

wondered

how

she

could

not 

even

take

a

moment

to

enjoy

the

rainbow.

I 

said,

"but

rainbows

are 

nature's

way

of 

bringing

joy

to 

the

world!

And

it's

a

joy

to

be 

in

class

& 

also

get 

to

see

a 

rainbow!

Isn't 

it

beautiful?"

The

room

snickered

& 

the

teacher

exasperated

said,

"why

yes

Elizabeth,

it

is

a

joy

to

be

in 

class."

...

"AND,"

....

I 

said,

"to 

see

a 

rainbow!"

...

....

.......

I

can't

remember

what 

class

that

was.

BUT,

I

can

still

remember

that

rainbow. 

I

can

still

remember

sitting

in

that

classroom

looking

out 

the 

window

...

staring

at 

that

beautiful,

brilliant, 

rainbow!

Prose of One More...

ever have one of those days?
ever feel like just one more?
ever wonder how you ended up in your children's tree house?
oh yeah...just one more.

I dig through the utensil drawer (I need dividers or an drawer organizer)
SHIT! 
where's the fish? (circa 1967 fish shaped bottle opener, passed down-3rd generation)
I open an ice-cold Corona Light.
AAAAAHHHHHHH....now that tastes good....
There I stood.
Looking out my back door.
My children were killing each other, 
the house was completely destroyed,
I have like 5 ba-zillion loads of laundry to haul up from the basement,
only to turn around & wash 10 ba-zillion loads more.
The dog is standing behind me whining because i'm standing at the back door, 
she thinks I am going to let her out (fat chance big girl!).
I'm going downstairs to my office...
The phone is ringing, 
my email has some 6000+ unread messages, 
the RSS feed is overflowing, 
AND...
how many newsletters have I subscribed to?
The cell phone went dead, 
as I'm sure that is why the home phone is ringing off the hook now! 
Did I mention laundry yet?
The children got quiet...
...can't be good.
If I go up there, I'l have to haul another load of laundry,
and pass the sink full of dishes. ugh.
shit!
It's REALLY quiet...
fine. 
But I'm NOT taking a load this trip up.
I need a completely different reason for going up.
It's an emergency!
I don't have time to waste carrying a load of clothes.
Yeah. That's it.
.............
...............
.................
. . . . .  . . . . . . . . .
NO WAY!
They are all on separate pieces of furniture,
each with their own blanket,
watching Sponge Bob with the volume turned down?!
The volume is ACTUALLY TURNED DOWN?!
sssshhhhh....just back up!
They never saw you, right?
Go back to what you were doing.
SHIT!
What was I doing?
CORONA LIGHT.
Half-way down the steps...
PECK! PECK! PECK! (aka MOM! MOM! MOM!)
really?
They never saw me.
Just a minute!
Mommy's bringing up laundry!
Aaaahhhh....I just bought myself 5-10 minutes.
Finishing my Corona. 
smiling.
PECK! PECK! PECK!
ALMOST DONE FOLDING!!
That's it!
I'm having just one more.
THEN I haul up the laundry.
But I'm not doing the dishes.

I'm Crying Again

I cried today.

It made me so  tired   I fell asleep in the chair I was slouching in.

I could hear my children coming & going.

I remember my oldest kissing me on the head & saying good-morning...he must have just gotten out of bed because I slumped myself in the chair around 10:30am today.

It's been a long day.

My one dear friend said I've had enough of my children & they need to go back to school.

She thought I would benefit from a part-time job that is  mindless & gets me out more.

She suggested Stone Cold Ice Cream Company.

I said that working in a high-end ice cream parlor when I was in my mid-life crisis & most likely clinically depressed

 again, 

sounded rather uplifting.

Could I handle adding another 30 lbs to my already over-sized ass?

It's like drug use ...it feels good for awhile, but the hangover is a killer.

Well, it's the thought that counts.

If we weren't so broke, I'd probably go  get some ice cream from the convenience store.

Even if I had money, I wouldn't buy ice cream from  a place like that...it's ice cream.

I mean really? I can make it at home for like $2.00 a gallon!

I'm crying again.

It would be nice to have some ice cream right now...actually just some very basic things like...

milk

butter

bread

eggs

Just some basics would be nice. 

I gave up sugar.

My children are better for it.

I'm crying again.

Everything is so out of whack!

I did everything the business books trained me to do.

I made the calls.

Gave people time. Deals. A little extra.

I'm crying again.

I give out of kindness.

I believe I don't have unrealistic expectations.

Maybe things just aren't as they appear.

Maybe I don't understand ....me.

I'm crying again.

I don't know if I can actually make the ice cream for $2.00 a gallon!? 

That's what the directions said! 

I've never even made ice cream at home. 

Why would I do that when it's $5.99 at the convenience store--no waiting?

I want-I want-I want.

WHAT? Do I NEED?

I'm crying again.

SELF PITY

I never saw a wild thing

Sorry for itself

A small bird will drop 

frozen dead from a bough,

Without ever having felt

Sorry for itself.

-D.H. Lawerence

Selected Poems    

I'm crying again.

But I  think it will be OK.

Somehow, someway...things work themselves out.

So instead of that part-time job  at the ice cream parlor...

I'm going to deliver delicious, HOT! from the oven hand made cookies.

Ironic how my ass is just not going to get out of this one.

I'm smiling again...

Must be the thought of cookies.

Maybe next time when I completely find myself slumping hopelessly in the chair, 

instead I will get some milk & cookies & be grateful for them.

If you give  a worn-out-mom a cookie...she just might smile again.

hhhhhhhmmmmm....divine intervention.

When  all I needed was a cookie.

I hope it's awhile before...

...I cry again.

phew.

My Secret Napping Place

I came back inside because, as per my usual, I forgot something.

Just before I reached for the door to leave, I couldn't locate my house keys...

F*CKING-A!

Every-god-damn-time....

For whatever reason, I look out....

It's warm out today.

The weather has shifted far more to the humidity of the South. Unusual.

Maybe I should just step out into the sun, sit on my stoop & take a load off. 

I mean, I don't really have to run into town.

My distress over forgetting something & now the un-daunting task of locating my keys?

I leave the door wide open...(my mother would be crazy right now with letting in the bugs). 

I drop my luggage there in the doorway & out fall my keys. 

Ironic huh?

I step out into the unusual weather.

There's a wall of warmth.

I turn my face to the sky...

...I close my eyes.

That feels good.

I gently sit down on my staircase--at the top of course. I haven't decided if I am going to stay or go.

I lean back & stretch out my arms & slide them across the deck--my back thanks me right about now.

I clear my mind.

I slow my breathing.

I take in the sounds around me.

The smells.

I find myself flat on my back. 

The warmth of the deck feels wonderful!

I just lay there.

Not a thought in the world....

.......serenity.

In the distance I can hear a rumble & sound of gravel under a trucks wheels approaching.

I don't mind. 

I don't bother with another thought to it.

I am so comfortable.

Who would have thought the top step, flat on my back, in the middle of the day would feel so good?

The truck door slams.

Walk. Walk. Walk.

"What are you doing sweetie?"

I lift my head up, squinting with one eye in an attempt to focus on the husband standing at the bottom of the stairs with a priceless look on his face...

"Just lying here."

"OK then. Carry on."

And I laid my head back down, closed my eyes, & drifted off to sleep.

It was only 20 minutes or so, but unbelievably refreshing. I never thought of my steps in any other means except to serve as the doorway to & from my homes entrance. BUT, now? It's my secret napping place.

Maybe jut five more minutes...

...make it ten.

Now where's that handbook?

   
      Three and one half years ago we walked into the local gymnastics gym in search of an environment for my daughter who wouldn't stop jumping, leaping, hanging off tree limbs, the fridge door, & running with ribbons taped to sticks. I'm standing here starring down at the gym floor, my daughter winks at me with a thumbs up! without interruption to her conditioning. Mostly smiles through what I describe as a grueling workout. She told me she's working on her floor choreography. I am attempting to absorb the fact that we are now bringing everything together for competition. She's officially in competition season. She's officially on Level 4 USA Team! I think I am going to need to sit down.
    
     The 2012 Olympics in London just wrapped up. Words cannot even begin to describe what an amazing presentation of dedication by such remarkable gymnasts. I will never forget in 1976 watching Nadia Comaneci score the first Perfect 10! And then another, and another! The sport had a cataclysmic change at that moment. It was like yesterday!
     
    It feels like yesterday she was just in the toddler room. I remember sitting there plastered to the glass watching with such amazement & pride. I couldn't have imagined how different my life would have been if we had a facility as wonderful as this gym?! I remember actually humbly laughing off the comments about how talented my daughter was at 3 years old! Quite frankly, she was doing what she was always doing. They just didn't see it like I did. It was her normal. But now, Team USA!?
     
     I heard this day would come. I also heard that what seemed expensive up until this point was only an icing on the gymanstics cake. It meant travel. Overnights. Being truly serious & committed to being on-time (my downfall as a mother). Doing her hair! The right clothes. Her diet. LEOS!! LEOS!! And MORE LEOS!!! No more backyard trampoline covered with Dawn dish soap & the sprinkler underneath...NO MORE BACKYARD TRAMP!!? The brothers will probably always hold that against her (still debating on this one). Packing certain snacks. Plenty to drink. Certain shoes. Injuries. OMG! What about injuries? What happens if she is injured? Somebody catch me...I'm feeling the floor getting closer to me...
    
     I have now completely lost sight of watching my daughter in all her glory & having a near panic attack standing here by myself. I am letting my well versed worry get the best of me. I've got to focus on the blessing in this journey. I've got to stop thinking about this & do what I am suppose to do...watch my daughter. SMILE! Thumbs up! Show her that in this sport she has no boundaries. Provide her with the stability she needs to be successful in any capacity that fits. To also balance family, education & being a kind, thoughtful, sharing friend & team-mate. To love her for all that she chooses at only 6 years old.
   
     Exactly! Six years old. I'm a grown woman & I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. But she does! She knows as clear as a bell what she is suppose to be doing every single day. Everything else comes second to gymnastics. That doesn't mean she accomplishes any less, like school. It just means that in her order of things, gymnastics is first. She begins first grade this year and is already talking about an online school, as going to a brick & mortor building has the possibility of interfering with her practices. She said it loud & proud when they told her she is off of Pre-Team & offically USA Level 4 Team..."I'm gonna be the Level 4 State Champion!" With no questions asked! Now that's a rock star! "

"Shoot for the moon! Because no matter what you still land somewhere amongst the stars!"

     She's not a bit scared about any of this. I on the other hand need to start thinking about someone to photograph & video tape at competitions in addition to everything else...I'm rather loud & energetic! I'm also have that over-exuberant amount of energy blended with a mothers tears of pride & joy. I certainly don't want to overwhelm the video with my high spirits! We don't need to watch her gymnastics videos 20 years from now & be drowned out by an emotional mother? I mean, I really need to save myself the embarrassment & roasting now, right?! This is all about her & her beautiful journey towards her first season in competition. Although, I'm sure you will hear me anyways...people find me in public because of my loud laugh. It is what it is. No matter what I am so unbelievably proud of my daughter! She has made me a better & softer woman & mom! 
    
     Now, where's that rule book?!