Small Things

Each day I make a conscious effort to be mindful & grateful. 
To appreciate even in my tragedy or hardship.
Since Thanksgiving I've been feeling depleted from the negativity of people around me. It forces me to retreat into the simplicity of small things.

I clear my head. I lean back in my chair. I look around, staring in my office/studio. It is here that I write. I could sit here for hours & not take in all the stuff my walls, ceiling & spaces are filled with. Forty years of my visual arts life! You see, I don't remember well---for many reasons. Having all this keeps me connected & grounded to the most import parts of me. My children & my art. Except when I have dooms-days. Those days I think of things like; "what if my house burned down?...what if the basement flooded?...what if I died, would I have left enough for my children to know who I was? what I felt inside...will it matter?...will it have affected anyone or made a difference? did anything I did with pure humbling intention create a butterfly effect?" 

All this tragedy thinking makes me have to pee. SO, I go to the bathroom. As I'm sitting on the toilet, attempting to redirect myself to the present appreciation of small things--necessities. I look around my bathroom. A room I  have complained about from day one. Originally it was inhabitable, so we gutted it EXCEPT for the original cast iron tub. (Apparently nobody would step up to admit it was past its life because nobody wanted to deal with the back breaking work of removing it---so I'm stuck with it) It was not redesigned as I would have really wanted it, as budget & function (both criteria met) were the defining sources of what we could end up doing. And now, well, although it could use a good scrubbing, I feel blessed to have a newer functioning bathroom (except for the tub---ugh)...heat to keep my home comfortable...air conditioning to keep my home cool in summer...lights & appliances that bring ease of living: gas stove & oven, heavy duty washer & dryer, portable dishwasher, microwave, fridge, freezer. I mean those things seem common in their place in a home, but when you put a perspective on it, gratitude prevails. 

Most recently hurricane Sandy took out Manhattan, New Jersey & New York. It took your breath away at the catastrophic repercussions left for people to re-build. All of those conveniences of home, have now become luxuries. What one wouldn't give to have their air conditioning working in the stifling heat following the hurricane. Or the early snow that came & people who were broke * they didn't know how they were going to get a heater to turn their back on. Not to mention all the debris that starts to rot. The smell. What the hell would I do? I would certainly not be prepared for anything even remotely like this on so many levels!

It got me to thinking, what do we need? What is it that I really need? I felt over-whelmed! I mean I surround myself with all these things I have found, my children have made, mementos of a moment in time, because I forget. And when I forget I feel lost. So, what if I lost everything? How would I remember? How would I feel grace in the small things? The truly small things like a hot shower? I can't answer that question. Although I can look around & recognize how unbelievably beautiful my studio space is. How it transports me simply from everything the world ties to trample me with to an attitude of gratitude. A spot where creativity has no walls or limits. That expression of one's self becomes the small thing that keeps the heart beating, nourishing the mind & cleansing the soul. Small things, become many big things & the big things make up our lives. It's these little things that start the ripples into the world, that it desperately needs.  

I guess, I can sort of answer the question now...if I lost everything, what would the small things be? It would be the support that surrounds me, like everyday & then some. It would be the health & welfare of my children. It would be the tale to tell to live another day. It would be the reality that  I will remember all those things in the rebuilding of my life. The little thing of cutting something out of paper with a new pair of scissors or putting donated pencil into a soup can that provided food when mine was gone....just like before. Just like the tin cans that my pencils are in now...they held food that fed me before it served as a vessel for my art tools. 

Small things are the life force. Small things are the connectors to each other. Small things bring bursts of joy & moments of sorrow. Small things give perspective when I become complacent & unsettled. Small things remind our heart to love more. Small things remind our body that even the smallest sliver can bring a man down. Small things give energy to the soul & carries this trinity to the next day & out into the rest of the world. It's the small things that make all the difference to me... particularly today.