Come In! Come In!

When I was younger, small talk was substance & an excuse for not knowing what was going on or having to attach myself to ANY responsibility for being in the know. Consequences were easily avoided by simply talking about nothing. Small talk is a vital element as beings, but it has no ability to awaken the soul. Or make the heart race & the mind reel. It doesn’t send waves of energy through your body when you’ve connected with another. When the conversation rambles & meanders & circles back & diverts again about interesting things that may or may not be related. The exploration of free flow of thoughts, emotions & ponderings.

When I read this post, I was excited by what it states. And I was left thinking that many of the things mentioned I’ve never really explored or even know a damn thing about! Or, simply have left in the locked closet of shit I don’t talk about because shame stands guard. I mean sex is taboo, lies, well, they are in the closet and my flaws make me sad because, again, shame stands guard. And I really would like to know what’s up. For me, that question is more easily answered when I am engaged in a deep conversation with someone. Where interruptions or demands of me don’t happen.  I think I’ll rewrite this to better serve my own twisted mind, so I can stop the self-berating & move closer to that which I seek…..substance in conversation.

I hate gossip & narrow minded opinions.

I want to talk about the brain, death, aliens, sex, and intellect, philosophers in art, distant lands & fairytales from my youth. The reverence around food & do you run in the rain or love the smell of fresh cut grass? The neighbors & business clerks, creativity, failure & flaws.

I like people with empathy, yet pragmatic, who seek adventure & a challenge in the spoken word. I don’t want to know he said, she said what. 

Ultimately, I like what Shel Silverstein has to say about all of this….

Invitation

If you are a dreamer, come in.

If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,

A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer…..

If you’re a pretender come sit by my fire

For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.

Come in!

Come in!

Loves Of My Life

Relationships take many forms. Two human beings connecting, nature, science, art & faith are all relationships we are engaged in everyday. When those relationships start to crash & burn, it's then that we are more present in reflection. The nature of fight or flight begins & all the emotional response follows. Our method of coping. Or our means of holding on, letting go or allowing in the process.

When I was young, many relationships were lost or bridges burned. It was devastating for me. Even to this day, I can look back & still feel the slight sting or mild regret of some of those moments. With people I internalized it; allowed myself to stay knocked down, blaming & beating myself up. I responded with flight. Although, with all things professional, I never really missed a beat. I was more like, fuck you & moved on to bigger fish. With my art, it just got put in piles or stored in a box. I keep finding these creative blips written on lists or quickly roughed out with abstract margin notes in drawing books, journals & on scraps of paper. The rest is left ramming around in the back of my mind, like elevator music that won't quit. All eventually piling up & falling over, demanding my attention.

These moments of dissolve are not ends. They are only parts or sections in a journey. They are the markedly memorable points of transition that bring us to a higher level of living. Of being. Of loving. They are the dots or cogs that connect together to form a whole. Things break, we fix them & keep moving on. BUT, sometimes, just when we least expect it, from all the rubble emerges the love of your life. And quite frankly that should read “another love of your life”. Because, when you think about it, life is generally long. Some days are long & we want them to be over quickly. Some weeks drag on. Often we can’t wait for the month to end & the weather of the season to shift. And then we look forward to the repair of what New Year’s is really about, new beginnings. When we could be practicing the simplicity of having the New Year start, every single day.

But sometimes the days, weeks, months and years pile up. They become decades, and your standing in the shadow of this huge passing of time. Imagine standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, looking out at its vastness, trying to wrap your head around its immense presence. Decades gone by. It can be overwhelming or change everything you ever thought about all that’s brought you to now. A point of meeting another love in your life. To be gracious in the gift that is before you. To thank that which has come to pass that you are here in its receipt.

Making mistakes, burning bridges, however you define endings or transition, is the only way to come to these loves in our lives. Without them, it’s unrecognizable. And with age we learn this. It is with the experience of living, loving & loosing that understanding happens. Ambition is blind I always say. But it needs a partner in this world, love. Because when we screw shit up on any level, its love that brings us through. It’s the loves in our lives that make us shine light on our world & those in it. 

It’s the loves in our life that put the ripples in the water that go out into the universe, only to come back tenfold. It’s the loves in our life that make us or break us. It’s the moment we meet the loves of our lives, however long or brief they may be, that bring us to who we are in this moment in time for all the world to see & feel. 

Today I am present with a love in my life….it’s a priceless kind of day!

Wise Old Bird

On my bad days, my mind walks to that line. My edge of existence. It is there that my view looks at a nothing. And there I reside. And with all edge teetering, I feel a bit of relief that it's not my worst day ever. My closest to stepping off I ever came. My harsh reality of, you simply, end up here. 

And, that day wasn't when my parents couldn't get me out of the closet in my early twenties because I was so over-wrought with sobbing & sorrow & fear. 

And it wasn't that time I just kept drinking & smoking & snorting & ingesting whatever it was that was put in front of me. 

And it wasn't the time I was shaking so bad I thought it almost a seizure. And my eyes were nearly swollen shut from the crying I had been doing for hours & hours, finally sitting in the ER, wanting to be committed. Wanting desperately to be relieved of it, but they wouldn't because I wasn't suicidal. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to fade away. Like a slow melting crayon in the hot sun. They wouldn't admit me because I wasn't suicidal; I didn't use the words that describe the act of suicide.

And it wasn't the diagnosis of PTSD randomly taking away my breaths, never knowing when it was going to rear its ugly head & wrap its power around my neck shoving its heavy horror story into my chest. MY horror story. Leaving me wishing for an anxiety attack at that moment instead.

And it wasn't any of the hundreds of times I've envisioned life as if I'd stepped into the nothing.

My edge was when I physically couldn't get up to even walk around in the small world of my apartment. I couldn't get up for weeks. I couldn't do anything but just sleep. Void of dreams & the vivid color that came with them. Void completely through. With each time I awoke, I was physically exhausted just taking a piss & wondering that somehow I was still here. That was my edge. My stepping off point. My point of self-hate and true blue worthlessness. My mind, body & soul were simply unreactive to anything. Void. It was a nothing that consumed me.

Becoming, "a nothing". That is my edge....my stepping off point.

And, yes, I go to great lengths to mask such an existence from the world. I am vocal and extremely empathetic about mental illness, yet leave out how I am speaking from experience. How in that moment, I am what I speak to rise above. To give away the belief & courage that someone CAN do it, even though I am consumed with a nothing. And most close to me know I live with this utter blackness, depression, aggravated by anxiety. But people forget those things when you aren't drowning in the obvious outward anxiety & brutality of it all, like debilitating migraines. And when they do recognize your sliding down that slope, you invest even more energy in the art of distraction. You transfer all that you wish for yourself to those around you because it protects a pain that can never be explained clearly & can only truly be understood by those who have their own nothing to face. It can be the worst kind of isolation in a crowd. Forget the exhaustion of its aloneness.

Though, I've found as I've aged, that I've come to really understand it's energy & its need to serve. I've come to know what not to give it to feed its hunger in controlling me. I've wrapped myself in my creativity as a way to distract from it. To know that I have been to the edge of a nothing & walked away. To speak past it as if it were a narcissist climbing on my back. To not give it the energy if needs. To deny it the one thing it needs, my thoughts. And I've learned this through NAMASTE & a little poem that shed a tremendous amount of light onto things for me.

So, for today, I'm going to be more like that wise old bird....despite what's going on on the inside. For today, I will make intentions to give my energy to listening than thinking. My ego & neurotransmitters can take a respite permanently! (Of course, with my medication!) Maybe today is a bad day. Maybe its good. No matter what kind of day it is, know I am working hard at being a light in this world & I have tales & stories to tell.....this one of them!

Let Downs All Around

This is a good mantra to repeat when you are a person with great ambition. 

Because in all reality, ambition is blind to reality more often than not. 

Ambitious people take on to much. 

There have been books written about it & products galore, 

just to help "curb" doing everything! 

It's all the dance around guilt. 

All kinds of guilt. 

Guilt about letting yourself or someone else down. 

Then there's all the guilt underneath the self & others.

There lies the "not everything".

And then, if you haven't already beat yourself up bad enough,

there are those nasty expectations. 

The beginning stages of insanity.

We work really hard at silencing that voice in the back of our heads that says,

"you know how this is going to turn out!"

or 

"you already have far too many things on your plate."

or 

"there you go again, putting others first & being the one who is suffering."

Letting yourself down & others in the vicious circle of this 

seemingly unconscious process that's become a character flaw.

 But, you slap a wet blanket on that inner voice & go ahead & do it anyways.

Results = L E T D O W N
Now the blame game.

You either beat yourself up or blame them for the emotional train wreck

you KNEW you were headed into.

It more resembles insanity really.
While the consideration that either you or them would be

remotely human & make mistakes.

Or it could be a coincidence.

Or unintentional?

It's a bunch of bla-bla-bla revolving in your head 

about a conscious act you continue to repeat.

You know you know.

You know what to do.

 Yes, at some point you get sick of your own lashings.

Of letting yourself & others down.....good, bad or ugly in intent.

And, eventually, the clouds part, 

the sun comes out & the light 

being shown upon another intentional fuck up

is the straw that breaks the camels back.

You can't go back.

You can only move forwards.

It starts with the ten-second rule.

Before you open your mouth, count.

And only then, be clear about what comes out!

There's courage in your voice, 

why not make it worth the space it will take up

once put out there?

But sometimes, it comes out.

Emotion.
Experience.
Knee-jerk.

Impulsivity.
And there it is.....

the 

BIG,

FAT,

Let-Down.

And then it's rinse & repeat 

or go home & live for another day.
But don't wrap yourself up in any more guilt or even worse,

r e g r e t.

If you slide head first into regret, you're walking through life backwards.

And the only flowers back there to water

have long since died.

Turn around,

put on your big girl panties & allow in what it is.

Nature taking its course.

Because the funny thing is,

more often than not,

people are drawn to each other for reasons.

And forgiveness & understanding come from love.

And even though some have more let downs than others,

eventually, we come back around.

Either to ourselves. 

Or to those we've let down or been let down by.

Because it's human nature.

And you can dwell in the house of
should-a, could-a, would-a.

Or you can use those moments to grow into

a more beautiful human than 

you already are....

even though you'll eventually be

 a letdown.

This is for all those whom I've let down....with what's done, I now send my love.

It Creeps In

It creeps up on you.
Depression.
You feel the signs.
You pull in all the skills you've learned over the years,
but,
it still creeps in on you.
And there you sit.
Flat.
Void.
Blank.
Although I do feel the disappointment in myself.
Lucky me, right?
Add insult to injury.
My mantra.
Negative self-talk running amuck.
What to do?

love your
sadness.
it won't
last long.

Gotta l o v e a truth bomb.
And timing is everything......

I think I'll try a new approach (with medication of course! I'm not stupid you know!) to healing my soul & shutting off the chatter that strangle-holds my self-esteem. The simplicity of this approach is brilliant really.
Love eases all sorrow eventually.
It's the water element to the mind, body & soul!
And truth be told, hardship, sorrow, loss.....anything that messes up your brain chemicals is better served by the reality statement of "this to shall pass", as my Grandmother Helen used to say.
This presence of pain drags time out & takes away your breath.
Again....it won't last long.
Repeat.

It won't 

last long....

As a week passes & I am not so slumped utterly exhausted in a chair.
And another week passes & I am feeling twinges of energy & more light about me.
And another week passes & I'm sitting taller....is that creativity washing over me?
And another week passes & I'm not overwhelmed with racing thoughts.
And another week passes & I am beginning to see & feel & experience the world again....
Through my eyes. Through my heart. Through my soul.
And another week passes & I am sprinkling that shit everywhere!

love your
sadness.
it won't
last long.

And that there is the perspective I have resolved to.



Thank you Daniel LaPorte for sharing your voice with the world.
Sending love your way!
*Image taken from the Facebook Page of Daniell LaPorte
http://www.daniellelaporte.com/

Paid In Full

For the first time in over 16 years, I am finally free & clear of payments to my attorney. 
I wrote the final check today & just sat in utter silence that it's FINALLY OVER!
Let's just say that what started as a divorce, somehow rolled over into his second wife & seven years of legal wranglings......hence the 16 years of payments to my attorney. I bet your thinking, "holy shit, that must have been a big bill?" Oh fuck yeah! It's was a huge bill!
So big, I've lived far more conservatively than I'd like. 
So big, that I've struggled to keep my business afloat! 
So big, that not only have I sacrificed a lot, but so have my children. Which, when all this started, I only had one child, now I have three.
So big, it put me into an emotional space that separated me from my hopes & dreams.
So big, that had I not had this debt, my student loans certainly wouldn't exist.

I have become flat & matter of fact about the whole thing. It's just the weekly grind that I had to endure & be responsible for.
Was it all worth it? 
Ask my son.
Ask my husband & business partner.
Ask my other two children.
Ask my extended family.
But if you ask me, there's no amount of money that I wouldn't have worked for to protect my son. It's a long & horrid story.
One that brought me to my now. 
One that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. 
One that forever changed me.
 
Up until I wrote this check, it was a door I could never step through to breath in a new life & begin to listen to what that was. Every week. Every check was a reminder of what happened & how little control I had & how not to let it ruin my life. And I was pushed to the edge & willingly looked down with serious desire to delve into the distorted view, because it looked better than what I was going through. But by my own nature, something inside turned my heels & forced me to walk away. That was at the worst of it all. But, I stood up & took it. And then, just like that, it was over. She just left & the hell they'd been dragging me through stopped. I was left with massive debt. 
Check after check after check.....each one grateful to still have my son. 
Each one was a thank you for having representation. 
Each one a replay of decisions made, taken away, crushed. 
Each one a reminder how without one's will, without a choice, life can be steered horribly wrong & you've got to just hang on.

What have I learned?

That all the stuff that's brought me to my now has made me stronger, weaker, braver & curiouser.
That with facing forward & perseverance you CAN get to the end. 
With courage, despite when you've felt like all is lost, somehow the clouds part & all that has worth to you, is still intact & surrounding you.
That your word means so much more than the string of words put together. They can make or break you, inside & out. 
That money is a cruel & carnivorous beast that gobbles up some people, while forcing others to feed them. 
That love is sometimes completely squashed by anger. 
That hope can leave you & there's nothing more alone & desolate than loosing hope. 
That the statement "nothing a two cent bullet wouldn't take care of" makes sense. 
That there's nothing scarier than the feeling of loosing yourself & seeing how frightening it is to your children. 
That the best laid plans, hopes & dreams are personal motivators, but flexibility in the end, saves you.
That my children are all the things I am not & then some. They saved me in the end.
That people are good at pretending. And quite convincing at that. It's amazing what a belief can do-good & bad.

What will I do now?

Well, when facing something new that feels kinda scary, I consult my go to sources of guidance. In this case I think Dr. Seuss said it best......

Congratulations! 

Today is your day. 
You're off to Great Places! 
You're off and away! 

You have brains in your head. 
You have feet in your shoes 
You can steer yourself 
any direction you choose. 
You're on your own. And you know what you know. 
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go. 

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care. 
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there." 
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, 
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street. 

And you may not find any 
you'll want to go down. 
In that case, of course, 
you'll head straight out of town. 

It's opener there 
in the wide open air. 

Out there things can happen 
and frequently do 
to people as brainy 
and footsy as you. 

And when things start to happen, 
don't worry. Don't stew. 
Just go right along. 
You'll start happening too. 

OH! 
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! 

You'll be on your way up! 
You'll be seeing great sights! 
You'll join the high fliers 
who soar to high heights. 

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed. 
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. 
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best. 
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest. 

Except when you don' t 
Because, sometimes, you won't. 

I'm sorry to say so 
but, sadly, it's true 
and Hang-ups 
can happen to you. 

You can get all hung up 
in a prickle-ly perch. 
And your gang will fly on. 
You'll be left in a Lurch. 

You'll come down from the Lurch 
with an unpleasant bump. 
And the chances are, then, 
that you'll be in a Slump. 

And when you're in a Slump, 
you're not in for much fun. 
Un-slumping yourself 
is not easily done. 

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. 
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked. 
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin! 
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? 
How much can you lose? How much can you win? 

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right... 
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? 
Or go around back and sneak in from behind? 
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find, 
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind. 

You can get so confused 
that you'll start in to race 
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace 
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, 
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. 
The Waiting Place... 

...for people just waiting. 
Waiting for a train to go 
or a bus to come, or a plane to go 
or the mail to come, or the rain to go 
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow 
or waiting around for a Yes or a No 
or waiting for their hair to grow. 
Everyone is just waiting. 

Waiting for the fish to bite 
or waiting for wind to fly a kite 
or waiting around for Friday night 
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake 
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break 
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants 
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. 
Everyone is just waiting. 

NO! 
That's not for you! 

Somehow you'll escape 
all that waiting and staying. 
You'll find the bright places 
where Boom Bands are playing. 

With banner flip-flapping, 
once more you'll ride high! 
Ready for anything under the sky. 
Ready because you're that kind of a guy! 

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! 
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won. 
And the magical things you can do with that ball 
will make you the winning-est winner of all. 
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be, 
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV. 

Except when they don't. 
Because, sometimes, they won't. 

I'm afraid that some times 
you'll play lonely games too. 
Games you can't win 
'cause you'll play against you. 

All Alone! 
Whether you like it or not, 
Alone will be something 
you'll be quite a lot. 

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance 
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. 
There are some, down the road between hither and yon, 
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. 

But on you will go 
though the weather be foul 
On you will go 
though your enemies prowl 
On you will go 
though the Hakken-Kraks howl 
Onward up many 
a frightening creek, 
though your arms may get sore 
and your sneakers may leak. 

On and on you will hike 
and I know you'll hike far 
and face up to your problems 
whatever they are. 

You'll get mixed up, of course, 
as you already know. 
You'll get mixed up 
with many strange birds as you go. 
So be sure when you step. 
Step with care and great tact 
and remember that Life's 
a Great Balancing Act. 
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. 
And never mix up your right foot with your left. 

And will you succeed? 
Yes! You will, indeed! 
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.) 

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS! 

So... 
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray 
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, 
you're off to Great Places! 
Today is your day! 
Your mountain is waiting. 
So...get on your way! 

OH, the Places You'll Go!
By Dr. Seuss

Yup! That's what it will be, another journey to somewhere......Oh, the places I'll go!
Hence why I'm, lizzi-was-here!
I can never have enough appraciation or gratitude for all that stuck by me in this mostly alone road. It's nice to finally get off the same old worn out road going to nowhere. 
Love , ME!