I will...eventually

With most days, because let's face it, some days I just don't feel inclined to do a fucking thing...but on those days of which I connect my heart, head & soul, I look for some evolution in my life. Something small that I am doing better. Or have recently learned. Or decided needs to be eliminated. Or chose to go after. 
A click in the cogs.

Sometimes what I am evolving to equates to nothing more than a knee-jerk reaction to someone or something that jars my thought process while in a sedentary moment related to that thought. 

clicK, cliCK...CLICK!

To awaken & move away from being complacent or still. Stuck. To refuse the notion of "can't" or "won't", without it becoming an "I told you so" or a "SEE!!" jab to the ribs. 

Recently I was listening to a person I am close to. Listening in a whole new way. With intention. Focusing on my listening skills. When I found my head cocked. I felt a scowl growing on my forehead, tensing. Jaws tightening & my breathing shortened...WTF!?! 
Not anxiety...
Utter dismay?
I was hearing this routine conversation in a whole new perspective...I was clearly hearing the concrete undertone
telling me 
"can't" & "won't". 
Knew-Jerk.
Flashback. 
Regression.
My view is from under a thumb that I've allowed keep me down. An internal dialog of self-defeating behavior as a direct result from believing someone's mantra of what's necessary. First things first. 
Priorities. 
Duty.
RESPONSIBILITY
All these MUST proceed "CAN" & "WILL".
Though I've been living quite opposite...not recognizing...hearing the "can't "won't" while failing to fulfill the mantra of what's necessary, first, a priority, duty & the responsible thing to do.

The silent broken record....over & over & over...

COULD-A
SHOULD-A
WOULD-A

I began filtering out the conversation. I got to recognize the narrowness of their perspective as it compares to me. What their priorities were, were not my priorities. Because their system of order, their priorities & even their approach to life worked for them. It hasn't worked for me.

ONE SIZE  does not FIT ALL!!

I COULD be the greatest "whatever" EVER!
I SHOULD do what's best for me!
I WOULD sleep better, once I refill my prescription for Ambien (some things just work better with prescription drugs).

(Thinking...Reflecting...)
(it's becoming an Ah-Ha moment...)
Ah, FUCK! Now I'm irritated. 
How come today, with my lack of copious amounts of coffee kind-of-day, did I have to recognize the gap, the distinct difference. Why, today? As I continue to attempt to stay focused on listening, I start to feel my insides are showing. As my astonishment felt like a gigantic blinking neon sign. It was that strong. GULP. Think. Relax. Breathe. Differences are the opportunity to greater insight!
Can they hear me screaming inside?!
Do I look as contorted as I am feeling?
FUCKING -A! Now I have to start over & figure out what...who...I am? The internal chaotic dialog my whole life was the result of trying to follow someone else's drummer. Everything I knew is washing out with the each & every word...I'm creating inner panic. Breathe.

PROCLAMATION: NONSENSE! 
(NOTE to self: In utter panic, reference Paulo Coelho for direction)

"Don’t try to be useful. Try to be yourself: that is enough, and that makes all the difference.Walk neither faster nor slower than your own soul. Because it is your soul that will teach you the usefulness of each step you take."

-Paulo Coelho

PHEW!
I'm good!
My life's got its own path.
I'v been connected & evolving.
IGNORE them.
Listen to YOU!
I could create more today, BUT I truly feel fulfilled for now.
I should drink more water--as copious amounts of coffee cloud my creativity...eventually, I get beyond thirsty.
I would have added more color to the writing, the art, my life, if I wouldn't have thought it was all perfect as is, for now.

I think I'll just sit awhile & be present in the experience...
...then toss it to the curb...that "can't" or "won't" & see how I fair...