A Little Wish

I was standing in my worn out, holey slippers, underwear & ratty old shirt, watching the sun crest our tree tops behind my house. I was close enough to feel the cold draft float from the door. What a view. The wind decided to blow at like 40+ mph mid yesterday afternoon & hasn't let up since. If it weren't for the Canadian winter now upon us & everything being frozen to the spot it was abandoned, I would normally have crap all over the yard. Between children & the husband, there's ALWAYS something left somewhere for no apparent reason. They are all easily distracted by most anything. (Hence, The Little Red house of ADHD!)
It used to bother me having shit laying all-over the place & I worried what my neighbors thought as well as the irritation & needling from my parents. (It drives my mother bonkers! and I admittedly think I passively have grown comfortable with it just so I can take small pleasure in it ruffling her feathers & irritating her--horrid daughter I am). But then I realized I was wasting my time obsessing over it. Wasting my energy harping on my children to "pick-their-SHIT-UP!", when it's just how they are wired--like me. (You don't want to try & locate anything in my office or studio...). This too shall pass or work itself out. I mean really, it wasn't only a few years ago the yard was littered with Nerf toys, big bouncy balls, Tonka Trucks & several kiddy pools. Now its bikes, & boards from building tree-houses  Skateboards & scooters. Pretty soon it won't be anything at all, because they will be grown & gone. Instead, I became present & relished in the small moment of their childhood & my time with them as their mother. Now that's not to say they have free reign to leave their shit everywhere, as I do request they help their "OLD-WORN-OUT-MOTHER" out with all the mess...(this guilt trip usually works followed by some reward in the form of food. NEVER-EVER knock Pavlov's theory of conditioning...he was a brilliant man!!) Through it all, I just think, "if I had less shit."

I usually write about these moments in, "NOTES FROM MY BACK DECK". It's not literally always actually from my back deck...dependent upon weather determines proximity, like today it was the back door to the deck! It's those alone moments early in the morning that I can revel in solitude from my life, children, husband, business, the traffic out front as my neighbors are all rushing to work. My little bit of zen. It's in these moments I am able to erase my disposition from waking, (which many mornings can be foul) to that which is more appealing for a successful day--and that could mean fucking off & watching movies all day without regard to answering to anyone & free of the ingrained guilt of not tending to my responsibilities or tackling the never-ending to-do list. It's my time to make "a little wish" for whatever needs tending to, caring for or just my attention. Though as of late, I've felt quite tapped out of these little wishes. I wish I could recall whom it was, but someone told me that's what happens when you spend all your time  making "little wishes" for everyone else & forget yourself in the process....I didn't know what to do with this tid-bit of information.

"A little wish" for me? By me? For me?!

It seemed absurd & selfish. To get love, I must first give love. I believe this was now a conundrum. I was left without an answer. I couldn't seem to connect the two...as the sun has now crested the trees. W A R M M M M...through the glass at least. What is it I wish for? I was realizing it was far easier to wish joy, love, luck, happiness, courage, peace, ect., to everyone else. The thought of offering myself "a little wish" brought an utter silence to my gut. My mind was blank.

OK, I wish for the worth & acceptance of something better for me. No matter how small that need may be. Even if it is a want. My "little wish" is to allow it in its most purest form--from the universe I let it flow. To grasp the understanding of the gift of receipt as giving love, to me. My "little wish"  is be refreshed in my giving, so I don't miss anyone, or what they might need. May my random act of kindness be

"a little wish" just for me.