See the rainbow?

I

was

told

to 

get 

back

to 

my 

seat

& 

pay

attention

...

BUT,

I 

said,

"there's

a

rainbow

outside!"

I

was 

then 

told

to 

raise

my 

hand

next

time

I 

had

something

to 

share

with 

the

class

...

SO,

I

raised

my 

hand.

...

"Yes,

Elizabeth,

what

is

it?"

I

said,

"there's

a

rainbow

outside!"

I 

was 

then

told

that

the 

rainbow

had

nothing

to

do 

with

the 

lesson

at

hand.

...

...

...

...

I 

again

raised

my 

hand.

"Yes

Elizabeth."

I

wondered

how

she

could

not 

even

take

a

moment

to

enjoy

the

rainbow.

I 

said,

"but

rainbows

are 

nature's

way

of 

bringing

joy

to 

the

world!

And

it's

a

joy

to

be 

in

class

& 

also

get 

to

see

a 

rainbow!

Isn't 

it

beautiful?"

The

room

snickered

& 

the

teacher

exasperated

said,

"why

yes

Elizabeth,

it

is

a

joy

to

be

in 

class."

...

"AND,"

....

I 

said,

"to 

see

a 

rainbow!"

...

....

.......

I

can't

remember

what 

class

that

was.

BUT,

I

can

still

remember

that

rainbow. 

I

can

still

remember

sitting

in

that

classroom

looking

out 

the 

window

...

staring

at 

that

beautiful,

brilliant, 

rainbow!

Prose of One More...

ever have one of those days?
ever feel like just one more?
ever wonder how you ended up in your children's tree house?
oh yeah...just one more.

I dig through the utensil drawer (I need dividers or an drawer organizer)
SHIT! 
where's the fish? (circa 1967 fish shaped bottle opener, passed down-3rd generation)
I open an ice-cold Corona Light.
AAAAAHHHHHHH....now that tastes good....
There I stood.
Looking out my back door.
My children were killing each other, 
the house was completely destroyed,
I have like 5 ba-zillion loads of laundry to haul up from the basement,
only to turn around & wash 10 ba-zillion loads more.
The dog is standing behind me whining because i'm standing at the back door, 
she thinks I am going to let her out (fat chance big girl!).
I'm going downstairs to my office...
The phone is ringing, 
my email has some 6000+ unread messages, 
the RSS feed is overflowing, 
AND...
how many newsletters have I subscribed to?
The cell phone went dead, 
as I'm sure that is why the home phone is ringing off the hook now! 
Did I mention laundry yet?
The children got quiet...
...can't be good.
If I go up there, I'l have to haul another load of laundry,
and pass the sink full of dishes. ugh.
shit!
It's REALLY quiet...
fine. 
But I'm NOT taking a load this trip up.
I need a completely different reason for going up.
It's an emergency!
I don't have time to waste carrying a load of clothes.
Yeah. That's it.
.............
...............
.................
. . . . .  . . . . . . . . .
NO WAY!
They are all on separate pieces of furniture,
each with their own blanket,
watching Sponge Bob with the volume turned down?!
The volume is ACTUALLY TURNED DOWN?!
sssshhhhh....just back up!
They never saw you, right?
Go back to what you were doing.
SHIT!
What was I doing?
CORONA LIGHT.
Half-way down the steps...
PECK! PECK! PECK! (aka MOM! MOM! MOM!)
really?
They never saw me.
Just a minute!
Mommy's bringing up laundry!
Aaaahhhh....I just bought myself 5-10 minutes.
Finishing my Corona. 
smiling.
PECK! PECK! PECK!
ALMOST DONE FOLDING!!
That's it!
I'm having just one more.
THEN I haul up the laundry.
But I'm not doing the dishes.

I'm Crying Again

I cried today.

It made me so  tired   I fell asleep in the chair I was slouching in.

I could hear my children coming & going.

I remember my oldest kissing me on the head & saying good-morning...he must have just gotten out of bed because I slumped myself in the chair around 10:30am today.

It's been a long day.

My one dear friend said I've had enough of my children & they need to go back to school.

She thought I would benefit from a part-time job that is  mindless & gets me out more.

She suggested Stone Cold Ice Cream Company.

I said that working in a high-end ice cream parlor when I was in my mid-life crisis & most likely clinically depressed

 again, 

sounded rather uplifting.

Could I handle adding another 30 lbs to my already over-sized ass?

It's like drug use ...it feels good for awhile, but the hangover is a killer.

Well, it's the thought that counts.

If we weren't so broke, I'd probably go  get some ice cream from the convenience store.

Even if I had money, I wouldn't buy ice cream from  a place like that...it's ice cream.

I mean really? I can make it at home for like $2.00 a gallon!

I'm crying again.

It would be nice to have some ice cream right now...actually just some very basic things like...

milk

butter

bread

eggs

Just some basics would be nice. 

I gave up sugar.

My children are better for it.

I'm crying again.

Everything is so out of whack!

I did everything the business books trained me to do.

I made the calls.

Gave people time. Deals. A little extra.

I'm crying again.

I give out of kindness.

I believe I don't have unrealistic expectations.

Maybe things just aren't as they appear.

Maybe I don't understand ....me.

I'm crying again.

I don't know if I can actually make the ice cream for $2.00 a gallon!? 

That's what the directions said! 

I've never even made ice cream at home. 

Why would I do that when it's $5.99 at the convenience store--no waiting?

I want-I want-I want.

WHAT? Do I NEED?

I'm crying again.

SELF PITY

I never saw a wild thing

Sorry for itself

A small bird will drop 

frozen dead from a bough,

Without ever having felt

Sorry for itself.

-D.H. Lawerence

Selected Poems    

I'm crying again.

But I  think it will be OK.

Somehow, someway...things work themselves out.

So instead of that part-time job  at the ice cream parlor...

I'm going to deliver delicious, HOT! from the oven hand made cookies.

Ironic how my ass is just not going to get out of this one.

I'm smiling again...

Must be the thought of cookies.

Maybe next time when I completely find myself slumping hopelessly in the chair, 

instead I will get some milk & cookies & be grateful for them.

If you give  a worn-out-mom a cookie...she just might smile again.

hhhhhhhmmmmm....divine intervention.

When  all I needed was a cookie.

I hope it's awhile before...

...I cry again.

phew.

My Secret Napping Place

I came back inside because, as per my usual, I forgot something.

Just before I reached for the door to leave, I couldn't locate my house keys...

F*CKING-A!

Every-god-damn-time....

For whatever reason, I look out....

It's warm out today.

The weather has shifted far more to the humidity of the South. Unusual.

Maybe I should just step out into the sun, sit on my stoop & take a load off. 

I mean, I don't really have to run into town.

My distress over forgetting something & now the un-daunting task of locating my keys?

I leave the door wide open...(my mother would be crazy right now with letting in the bugs). 

I drop my luggage there in the doorway & out fall my keys. 

Ironic huh?

I step out into the unusual weather.

There's a wall of warmth.

I turn my face to the sky...

...I close my eyes.

That feels good.

I gently sit down on my staircase--at the top of course. I haven't decided if I am going to stay or go.

I lean back & stretch out my arms & slide them across the deck--my back thanks me right about now.

I clear my mind.

I slow my breathing.

I take in the sounds around me.

The smells.

I find myself flat on my back. 

The warmth of the deck feels wonderful!

I just lay there.

Not a thought in the world....

.......serenity.

In the distance I can hear a rumble & sound of gravel under a trucks wheels approaching.

I don't mind. 

I don't bother with another thought to it.

I am so comfortable.

Who would have thought the top step, flat on my back, in the middle of the day would feel so good?

The truck door slams.

Walk. Walk. Walk.

"What are you doing sweetie?"

I lift my head up, squinting with one eye in an attempt to focus on the husband standing at the bottom of the stairs with a priceless look on his face...

"Just lying here."

"OK then. Carry on."

And I laid my head back down, closed my eyes, & drifted off to sleep.

It was only 20 minutes or so, but unbelievably refreshing. I never thought of my steps in any other means except to serve as the doorway to & from my homes entrance. BUT, now? It's my secret napping place.

Maybe jut five more minutes...

...make it ten.

Now where's that handbook?

   
      Three and one half years ago we walked into the local gymnastics gym in search of an environment for my daughter who wouldn't stop jumping, leaping, hanging off tree limbs, the fridge door, & running with ribbons taped to sticks. I'm standing here starring down at the gym floor, my daughter winks at me with a thumbs up! without interruption to her conditioning. Mostly smiles through what I describe as a grueling workout. She told me she's working on her floor choreography. I am attempting to absorb the fact that we are now bringing everything together for competition. She's officially in competition season. She's officially on Level 4 USA Team! I think I am going to need to sit down.
    
     The 2012 Olympics in London just wrapped up. Words cannot even begin to describe what an amazing presentation of dedication by such remarkable gymnasts. I will never forget in 1976 watching Nadia Comaneci score the first Perfect 10! And then another, and another! The sport had a cataclysmic change at that moment. It was like yesterday!
     
    It feels like yesterday she was just in the toddler room. I remember sitting there plastered to the glass watching with such amazement & pride. I couldn't have imagined how different my life would have been if we had a facility as wonderful as this gym?! I remember actually humbly laughing off the comments about how talented my daughter was at 3 years old! Quite frankly, she was doing what she was always doing. They just didn't see it like I did. It was her normal. But now, Team USA!?
     
     I heard this day would come. I also heard that what seemed expensive up until this point was only an icing on the gymanstics cake. It meant travel. Overnights. Being truly serious & committed to being on-time (my downfall as a mother). Doing her hair! The right clothes. Her diet. LEOS!! LEOS!! And MORE LEOS!!! No more backyard trampoline covered with Dawn dish soap & the sprinkler underneath...NO MORE BACKYARD TRAMP!!? The brothers will probably always hold that against her (still debating on this one). Packing certain snacks. Plenty to drink. Certain shoes. Injuries. OMG! What about injuries? What happens if she is injured? Somebody catch me...I'm feeling the floor getting closer to me...
    
     I have now completely lost sight of watching my daughter in all her glory & having a near panic attack standing here by myself. I am letting my well versed worry get the best of me. I've got to focus on the blessing in this journey. I've got to stop thinking about this & do what I am suppose to do...watch my daughter. SMILE! Thumbs up! Show her that in this sport she has no boundaries. Provide her with the stability she needs to be successful in any capacity that fits. To also balance family, education & being a kind, thoughtful, sharing friend & team-mate. To love her for all that she chooses at only 6 years old.
   
     Exactly! Six years old. I'm a grown woman & I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. But she does! She knows as clear as a bell what she is suppose to be doing every single day. Everything else comes second to gymnastics. That doesn't mean she accomplishes any less, like school. It just means that in her order of things, gymnastics is first. She begins first grade this year and is already talking about an online school, as going to a brick & mortor building has the possibility of interfering with her practices. She said it loud & proud when they told her she is off of Pre-Team & offically USA Level 4 Team..."I'm gonna be the Level 4 State Champion!" With no questions asked! Now that's a rock star! "

"Shoot for the moon! Because no matter what you still land somewhere amongst the stars!"

     She's not a bit scared about any of this. I on the other hand need to start thinking about someone to photograph & video tape at competitions in addition to everything else...I'm rather loud & energetic! I'm also have that over-exuberant amount of energy blended with a mothers tears of pride & joy. I certainly don't want to overwhelm the video with my high spirits! We don't need to watch her gymnastics videos 20 years from now & be drowned out by an emotional mother? I mean, I really need to save myself the embarrassment & roasting now, right?! This is all about her & her beautiful journey towards her first season in competition. Although, I'm sure you will hear me anyways...people find me in public because of my loud laugh. It is what it is. No matter what I am so unbelievably proud of my daughter! She has made me a better & softer woman & mom! 
    
     Now, where's that rule book?!