4 Things You Can't Recover

Every once in awhile I am left speechless. I attempt at being present & conscious in life. I prefer to think of myself as someone who communicates & faces risk & fear to better get along. Although, in life we sometimes are just part of the staging. Part of experience that happens no matter how much we attempt to live cleanly, honestly & humbly. I recently stumbled upon this amidst my folders of shit I find important enough to keep. With my disposition today, its ironic I stumbled upon these words of wisdom. Truly I had forgotten this...I mean as golden rules of daily living. I prefer to have these be conscious normalicies in how I approach life, daily life, family life....just my life...but upon keenly reading I have come to realize, maybe a refresher course is in order. I share with you as someone who is ever so grateful in all that is present in my life--even the ick, as it forces me toward something better. And hopefully bring more patience to the world around us or even bring courage to a voice to speak up & connect with a random stranger at risk of being shut down.

With each day, as I wake, I will strive to not cast stones, think about my words, be appreciative of the occasion & respect the time I have by being present. Carpe' Diem.

sunflower

Ever wondered what it would be like to be a sunflower?
To effortlessly, through all kinds of weather,
grow,
bend, 
sway,
reach,
bloom,
produce,
focus.

If a animal doesn't find it before it takes root, there's little mother nature can do to interrupt the sunflower from it's job. It has one purpose--to reach the sun. To have its petals be warmed by its rays. It's love affair is so strong, it follows the sun vainly all day. Sun-up, to Sun-down. And in its sorrow, hangs it's head at end of day, only to begin again it's joy of embracing the sun's glory.

Some are small.
Some become small trees.
Some can barely hold itself up from the size of its head.
Some have delicate seed & vibrant color.

With each spring my children & I randomly tuck seeds into the ground hoping for a beautiful sunflower to break the ground. They remind us of how time flies & beauty fades. And with overcast there can be sorrow. Only to reach to the warmth of a new day. 

This year the squirrels chose where the flowers would grow...and we couldn't be happier in knowing that because we sowed, the woods is now a more peaceful & graceful place.

Ever sit under a sunflower as if it were a parasol? It is a bliss that renders your heart to giddy childishness.

Ever harvested the seed, to enjoy as a bounty & share with the yard birds in preparation for winter?

Ever thank the sunflower for guiding the time of day?

Ah! Sun-Flower
Ah, Sun-flower, weary of time,
Who countest the steps of the Sun,
Seeking after that sweet golden clime
Where the traveller's journey is done:
Where the Youth pined away with desire,
And the pale Virgin shrouded in snow
Arise from their graves, and aspire
Where my Sun-flower wishes to go.
-William Blake

And for today, I will aspire to face the sun, & allow for its rays to warm my face...to guide me methodically to rest at the end of a day. Oh beautiful sunflower does give me sweet grace...

Keep Your Eye on the Ball !

The Peanuts are part of Minnesota history. I mean Charles Schultz hails from St.Paul! And these characters are the epitome of our culture--we stuff & seethe. Garrison Keillor, Prairie Home Companion, for those of you who don't know, in my minds eye, coined the phrase. It was sad to see Camp Snoopy leave MOA (Mall of America), but this too has passed. Although, you can still see the peanuts characters scattered all over the State Fairgrounds.

In any given day I am a Charlie Brown and Lucy. Opposite & polarizing personalities. Annoyed at the irritations of those to slow to recognize my need to press things along while wrapped up in a self-loathing, UGH...sigh. A friend said I was probably bi-polar, to which I told her she did NOT understand what that was. (Although it would provide me with a label & excuse for my indiscretions). However, she assumes she knows me, to which I think, "how can she or anyone else know me, if, I, myself don't know me? I mean what does that exactly mean anyways?"
Prime example would be, "I'm taking charge here, but please don't yell at me if you wanted to run the show". 

Charlie Brown & Lucy.
The ball was the point of contention. The point of question. The point of deliberation.
I've heard say, people passionate of life battle the rationale of their head, but are led with their heart. Can you say inner turmoil?

Lucy protests she has only Schroeder in her heart, although she contradicts herself by looking out for her brother Linus & his blanket...all the while irritated, but always all-knowing. Which she later validates by yanking out his blanket. She pleasures in pulling out the football right at the point of proof, and soothes her vanity by charging anyone who will pay 2 nickles for her advice! Maybe that's why I don't charge what I should as a designer--I would be setting myself up for consequence....for a possible yelling at or an ugh.

Everyone loves Charlie Brown! He's just a nice guy who never strays for his moral just. His slow to process, & inability to connect with the speed at which life goes by, leaves him, unwittingly content in his somewhat awareness of happenings. Don't ask me, I'm ALWAYS the last one to know & even then, there's a good chance I won't remember anyways.

I am most outwardly a Lucy...exhibiting a shinier, bubblier personality more like Sally. I remember several decades ago, another lifetime really, my art college days, I so desperately wanted to change my name to Lucy. I think within a week of various liquid gatherings, I had met three Lucy's...all with distinctive personalities--extroverted characters they were. And fashionable. I've never been fashionable--gotta slow down long enough & take the time. Throw it one & go!  

My thoughts were the name presented so many possibilities for marketing, typography & design....oh, those were the romantic days. I should have been more of a Lucy & just gone with it. Darn, was that regret I just expressed? Be gone!!! But my parents are quite traditional & god forbid I would do something so outlandish! So I modernized my birth name Elizabeth to Lizzi. Lizzi with an "I" I still say. It became the brilliant marketing ploy of our portfolio show. EVERYONE just couldn't believe I wanted to be called Lizzi & not Liz. And that I made tent business cards. Who  would ever do something so absurd? They were "suppose to be" square! They "wouldn't" fit into a card file holder or Rolodex or wallet! "Why" a tent? How much information does she need to put on that card? BLA! BLA! BLA! Guess who went through ALL of her cards? All 400 of them?

ME!! 

Of course, I never got a great job or anything. Just the successful proof in the pudding that maybe, just maybe I knew something! Maybe, just maybe, I was a true creative. Someone who through blind faith would pursue an idea or concept with the pure energy & confidence that IT WILL be successful with no questions asked. A LUCY! I pull that ball out just when I am told, "you really don't want to do THAT? do you?!" Ummm....yep! 

I settled into my successful impulsive decision of design mystro by getting quite intoxicated the 3rd day of the show, at Braxton's Pub right next door. Their Bloody Mary's & fresh water oysters were intoxicatingly beyond delicious. Besides, I was already out of business cards...what else was there? oh yeah, onward to STOUT!!

So what was the ball....the business cards. Lucy NEVER looses sight of the ball. Charlie Brown ALWAYS KNOWS the ball is never within his reach & is left with a repetitive ugh. Classmates didn't believe me but I had the ball. No back peddling from them about how genius Lizzi with an "i" was in her design choices. Again I am left with a literal, ugh. 

And so the cycle continues....good grief. BUT, I not only have control of the ball, but I also keep my eye on the ball. Because life offers up fumbles. And if you don't have control of the ball, well the landing is most likely gonna hurt. Which leaves you to stuff & seethe...

...grumbling under your breathe, "good grief".

Alice Was Right!

BANKSY gone viral.
What's inside the artist.
CURIOSITY
Alice was right...if one looked at it differently, one might get curiouser & curiouser.

NOBODY will give you permission.
nobody.
ONLY I have the ability to express & let out the gifts from within. 
Is that at a cost? 
Yes. 
The cost is failure. 
Humiliation. 
Embarrassment. 
Negative labels of inadequacy.
Lack of judgement.
Border-line insanity.
Being arrested.

WHY then do we step out onto that limb...
...walk out onto that end of the branch?
When the branch breaks, 
we crawl back up onto another limb?
Walk back out onto another branch?
Knowing FULL-WELL, it may break....AGAIN.

It is the experience. 
with every limb. 
with every branch.
It's NEVER the same.
It's quite possible the branch will not break.
Then it's about the view.
It's about the experience.
It's the conflict to doing it.
Inner struggle is the messenger to motivation.
To draw out that what we need to produce.
To share with the world.
Be it perspective.
Impromptu emotion.
A brief experience.
A subtle message.
Defiance.
Letting Go.
Passive Influence.

Curiosity is a wild creature to follow...
it opens doors from the norm...
And if any of you know the words of Alice...
or the work of Banksy...
...need I say more?

My Purse

I was at the gym watching my daughter practice & I obviously dumped my purse further away from the ramp wall than I thought & a grown man came along & tripped over it. The purse barely moved! The guy stumbled a bit & then said, "what do you have in there?". I said spare change & god only knows what else...hahahahaha!! I was laughing because he tripped. Then it was even funnier because he tripped over my purse! It's actually a Sherpani cooler bag--small!

I am still giggling today about that man tripping over my Sherpani! Maybe I should dump this bad boy out & see what all the shit is I've been hauling around day in & day out.
HOLY SHIT! I officially could easily win Let's Make a Deal several times over!
Here's the run down...NO SHIT! This was ALL in my purse!!

12 pens (funny how I could never find one)
3 pencils
2 mechanical pencils
4 sharpies (2 green, 1 black, 1 red)
1 small screwdriver set
1 surgical clamp (he he)
2 scissors (1 hair, 1 paper)
1 highlighter (PINK!)
1 X-Acto knife
1 retractable eraser
3 chap-sticks
2 Carmex (porcelain tub, stick)
4 corks (oh my!)
3 lighters (all Bic's of course)
6 interesting metal games pieces (not sure what game...hhhhmmmm)
car key
ring of car/house keys from circuit 1987 (toy box shit)
enough change for a party size Toppers Buffalo Chicken Pizza
2 business card holders--both EMPTY??!! (nice)
rubber dragon
7 shelf sets-where's the 8th?
expired meds--not sure what they are...hhhmmmm
3 kinds of lotion-hotel variety
Kellog's Tour of Champions paraphernalia
rocks
sticks
Lego's
3 rubber balls (THANKS Little Caesar's)
pedometer (hahahahahaha!)
2 finger nail clippers
Dawson's baby socks ( they are ALWAYS in my purse--good luck)
metal hummingbird
one of Anneliesa's locker key bangle thingy's
5 snap Barrett's
6 no-slip binders
mini tape measure
30' tape measure
2 check books
comb
3 month's of receipts
wallet
phone
pen parts
lips chip bag clip
4 Corona Light Beer caps (must of been at a park?)
miscellaneous beads
giant copper safety pin
TONS of gums wrappers
3 ketchup packs
1 grape jelly
crumbs of..I think..town house crackers?

What the hell? My children were shocked! I was grossed out by the ketchup & jelly packets. My middle child thought he just hit the mother-load of cool shit. My husband laughed & shook his head. I on the other hand, am disappointed I didn't find any cash besides the 20 lbs. of change...at least a $10 would have been worth the huge mess I made on our dining room table. Oh well. So I grabbed another bag from the closet. It's bigger! HA-HA! Doesn't feel AS HEAVY, despite being bigger in physical size...should be interesting...very, very, interesting.

IMPORTANT Ramblings

Life is short.
I'm 46.
Not at all what I envisioned 46 would be like either.
My children aren't even teenager's yet.
SHIT!
LIFE all of the sudden, it feels like life been short when you put some perspective on it...like your age!
What the hell have I been doing?
Can't say I've been on a "career" path.
Why does it have to be a career path?
How about a journey?
I've been tasting life!
Meeting people, building my book of memories.
Does it matter?
Up until the last few years--it didn't really.
I went along doing whatever was necessary to eat, drink & BE happy (or coming out of some grade of depression).
This last decade plus has been raising children...
Running a business.
Watching the economy & those trying to predict it.
Experiencing society morals & values tank!
Listening to all the excuses & reason why.
Many days I wish I were more like the ant & could just follow along in suit.
You know...be able to work for the man. The corporation. Have a boss.
Not be the boss.
Not be the decision maker.
Not be the authority on EVERYTHING!
Although, that's what I am.
That's what I do.
That's how I work.
I am most comfortable being the ultimate authority in getting my ass into hot-water. I don't miss the ass-in-hot-water-bullshit because of some other asshole who makes more than you.
(Husbands & business partners are excluded from this rational)
I think when we look back, life does look short.
The world is small.
And I've been pretty damn blessed.
When we look forward, some days I can't see how the hell I'm gonna get dinner on the table.
But I think the basic cruxes of living is to say what you need to say.
I'm from Minnesota.
We stuff & seethe.
When I heard Garrison Keillor point that out on Prairie Home Companion, it was shocking!
He was right!
Blanket that with Minnesota nice...& now you know why we live on comfort food.
Casseroles came from Minnesota you know. 
(At this point, you should be pronouncing your "o's" with a long over-enunciation sound)
Most people that know me, have found me to NOT be a stuffer or seether.
In fact, I will voice an opinion for the friend who can't find the voice themselves.
I blurt out their inability to be courageous & say, "he was a real dick!"
Doesn't mean he's a dick 24/7. But this time, yeah,he was a dick.
I said it.
It's out there.
Do you feel better now?
No.
Now they are scared of retaliation.
Good god!
Seriously?!
Someone once warned me: "Don't say anything out loud you don't want repeated."
HE'S A DICK!!
Here, let me make this even easier...."Bob. You're being a DICK! As to say, you're not always a dick, but currently you are behaving like a dick." Or the harsh reality of, "Bob, your just a big fucking dick most of the time." Either way, I say it...well, usually. I am Minnesotan remember! I do have the option of stuffing & seething at will.

I got to thinking about unspoken words, time being short & what's important that I haven't said. Shit the I've stuffed---like more than I thought. There are days I have to work with my paint crew. It's in that time I get to do nothing but think. I thought, if I died, was there anything I really wanted to say? Were there any thoughts that I stuffed & have seethed  that I should just get out there & let it go?
HELL YEAH! I surprised myself.

TRAFFIC--are you kidding me? Grown adults get into a multi-ton piece of machinery & do more while moving at high rates of speed than they do in their own homes! I truly don't need to elaborate on this one. I mean just today I saw a guy who didn't scrap his frost off, racing to work,  drinking coffee, talking into his phone or singing to the radio (who knows) SHAVING at the stop light! Um...yeah, I want to be near him on the road. BE PRESENT PEOPLE!

The more convenient our world becomes, the more dependent we become. The more garbage we create. The less connected with our planet were we continue to live. 

Everyone should be able to name at least ONE bird singing in the morning before they even start their day.

PRIORITIES:This is a hard one. This requires critical thinking & self restraint.

HOPE: Never leave home without it.

PLEASE!! For the love of God, put your fucking grocery cart in the cart corral!!

Being a pedestrian does not mean you have the right-of-way anywhere you walk.

Traffic--the transference of our stuffing & seething.

Did I mention grocery carts?

Just because you can give birth to a child DOES NOT mean you should have a child. Producing the child is the easy part. RAISING them as a member of society is completely another!

Pets require personal & social responsibility..."but they were so cute!?", is a stupid person talking.

Be a good neighbor.

Give blood.

PRAY to what you believe in--it's your belief.

If you see children selling Kool-Aid or cookies or whatever...STOP! and support their innovation. These children have an innate drive to blaze their own trail...to not validate those remarkable efforts squanders future progress & adds to the division of class.

AGAIN, JUST BECAUSE you can create children, DOES NOT mean you have the skills or ability to raise them.

Neighbors can make every day fucking miserable if your don't set your precedence from the moment you move in. With that, get to know your neighbors & neighborhood watch captains--the city approved them as the voice of your neighborhood...you should know their position.

If you dump it in the street gutter, it gets carried away into our rivers & streams.

Can you re-purpose, re-cycle, re-use, re-define something instead of dumping it into a landfill?

Walk with your head up, not looking at the ground. (unless the terrain dictates differently)

Buy the best dog & cat food from a specialty feed & pet store...they hardly poop because their food is so nutritious--it's the closest they get to fresh! 

Put your grocery cart in the cart corral!

You still have to STOP! when turning right on a red light! 

No matter how big or small--no day should go by without a random act of kindness.

The air you breath & water you drink are the direct result of how you live your life. IT'S NOT SOMEBODY ELSE'S FAULT!

The bible is only one history book.

An education isn't complete without art, music & home economics.

OK...I have to go back to traffic....PEOPLE! Learn to F**King DRIVE!!

Learn to truly understand LOVE.

Should-a, Could-a, Would-a, is our human nature being afraid. Our instincts out of whack!

FORGIVENESS is the playing field leveler of all time.

Life is better with coffee,  ice cream & lean red meat.

If you can't find ONE blessings in your day, go back to bed & start over.

Technology WILL NEVER replace the relationship of the reader & a book in hand.

Someday women will be the majority in board rooms & politics...OH MY!

Eat real things, like SUGAR & BUTTER! Oh & beer is good.

Get three estimates if you are concerned about price & value.

I don't think I can die now, because quite frankly I have just to much to say. To much unspoken. To much to get out there that may light a fire under somebodies ass or motivate them to think differently or just because I have something to say that's interesting. If nobody listens & I only have my voice to settle in with, I will have to be still with whom I am & LOVE that whom that I am.

My unspoken, is now spoken, to the whom that I am.
TA-DA & to be continued....

Journey of Routine Chaos

The world I am surrounded by is rich in energy, color, & diversity. I so often feel pale in comparison. This portion of my journey is about absorbing all that is presented to me. Good & bad. It is devastating many days...as I am left with not enough time to take it all in. To be present in the Universe's grace. Nature's miracles  Man's innovation. I remind myself that it is about the journey. That I am only to visit more extensively, that which will serve me right now.

I've never been a creature of routine, though I am attracted to the order & predictability of it. And despite the dependable sense of controlling my small environment...routine lacks that risk taking rooted in impulsivity. The fearless drive to run off the end of the dock & determine if you can swim kind-of-passion. When I was younger, I gave no thought to consequences. Daily, I am faced with the results of realizing how tumultuous the road can be ignoring them... consequences that is. Despite my having been told, I have an irresponsible nature.This spoken boldly by someone whom lives by order & well thought out decisions through routine. My natural way of relating to order by chaos is consistently an irritation for those that live life with intent & order. Which makes me giggle. 

 My eldest child is a spitting image of me. I am faced with ah-ha moments each day about myself. The living mirror of whom I really am & not how I perceive myself to be. Thanks kiddo! Interesting & enlightening. It doesn't change a thing. Nor  inspire me to change a thing, as that would be out of order with nature. But it does give me great insight & understanding as to why people react sometimes as adversely as they do. Poor them.

I fell in love with this digital image because of how I identified with it. The image represents my life to which I move through, despite my vascilating confidence, its vibrant & alive. Through this energy is the faith establish within myself that counters my confidence & giving me energy to push through. While wavering most days, but still moving forward, I absorb & experience the greatness around me & apply what I need to my journey. The rest of her image is near blinding light. I have never in my life felt so alive with creative energy, spiritual connectedness & over-whelming love for all the advantages I have. The gratefulness of plenty. The abundance of security & support. I give away all that is needed, as long as I don't depleat myself in forwarding what has been passed onto me. Balance is the closest to routine I will get. 

And with that, I extend my arms back, palms up in receipt, neck stretched & face pushing to the sky...I breathe in, ever so slowly, & release out my energy, as to gift back all that I have taken in today. To give back all that I have been given today...

Minor Irritation.

I'm a magnet for people that give you the impression they want your help. They want your advice. They want your thoughts. They want to know what direction you would go.
But they really don't.
Then there's those that whine because they need someone to listen to their crap.

For all of you...and you know who you are (as I've been both at one point or another in my life)...
Please repeat the above & FOLLOW THROUGH with what you have been given.

Another irritation...resolved?
Only if the one in need has resolved their whine with acceptance of their desire for help.
Then there's the mutual completion to the action of help...being thankful...for each other.

Not Listening!

There's a certain amount of self torture in being an artist. It's the push against that behavior that steers us away from our art. Like an addict, we come back to it. We either become comfortable with this vicious circle & pang to our existence or just plain go friggin crazy! I'm leaning towards the "I know I seem a bit crazy--that's because in the "normal" world, I AM!" kinda comfortable place to be...I believe that falls in between the panging existence & friggin crazy!

I used to sit in circles of could-a, would-a, should-a's...it was killing me. I was completely suffocating & the pain of being there & listening to the broken record was driving me back to illicit drug use. AND, by all my experience, I  KNOW, despite the temporary blissful insanity of that journey, it leaves you broke, your skin (amongst other things) looking like complete shit! & everything you left behind to consume copious amounts of whatever, the problems that are still there--except your brain hurts more. Not to mention you acquire a whole new set of friends that have nothing in common with you, except the trip you've jut been on to la-la-la-whateva'.

SO...NOW WHAT?!
PERSPECTIVE!
Where to get it?
KARMA always brings it...! 
KARMA slipped this in front of me this morning as I moved from thing to thing...

How To Feel Miserable As An Artist 
(or what not to do)

     

Constantly compare yourself to others.
I actually gave this up in art school. I learned quickly that when you do this, they take your ideas & mind fuck you so they can have the artistic advantage. My art is not about them! That's not why your doing art! If it were they would be considered your client & you would be working for someone. It's about what's inside. Something you have to share with the world--timing is everything & then again it's nothing. Doing art is a life's work. Appreciation for others work is good karma.

Talk to your family about what you do & EXPECT them to cheer you on.
This will never change, EXCEPT the EXPECT part. I'm my biggest cheerleader & nobody else! Although, I do, by habit & nature, keep looking to my family for understanding...and they keep thinking I'm crafty. Um. Yeah...crafty. nice.

Base the success of your entire career on one project.
This reminds me of the guy who caught the winning football just as the clock ran out to win the state championship for their school. And that's the story they tell every reunion...every party...every fucking time you see them at a social engagement!! This is death! Not happening. No way, no how. A great project is great, but that's the step to the next great project...and so on and so forth...art is a lifetime project! Each project is inspiration to something more--success OR failure!

Stick with what you know.
Here's the deal...I DON'T KNOW SHIT! I mean, I know a lot about a lot of things, mastered none of them as far as I am concerned, but could never imagine picking any one of those things & sticking with it. Again...this is death! The older I get the more I appreciate the liability of distraction...it is the insatiable appetite of curiosity! It keeps me exploring ideas & mediums & solutions to problems. NO STICKING ALLOWED!

Undervalue your expertise.
Got this perspective most recently. First I need to have a handle on what my expertise is. I've been walking around feeling more like a Jack-Of-All-Trades & Master-Of-None. If I truly embraced what I am an expertise in, then, maybe I would have some basis for determining my value. But then again, that makes me feel like I'm sticking to what I know, which contradicts my curious nature. I 'm already the only one of my kind--an original. So just being that, I should know what my value is. Although, I am a generous woman to fault. Generosity undermines my value. I will have to re-visit this about myself, as put a value on my "expertise" doesn't align with the economic reality of my world. Finding a balance & worth is of more value right now.

Let money dictate what you do.
Where do you think the term "starving artist" originated from? Artists either have great vanity in their work & reap those financial benefits. Or they never worry about money because they are to busy being creative & engaged in the moments of brilliance. This is a generality with perspective. If you want to make a living with your art, then money will dictate what you produce. I mean, everyone could love & appreciate your shit, but if they aren't buying it, the light to the gallery get shut off & your dead in the water. BUT, they love your work! Balance...being highly sought after...while recognizing when your starving!!

Bow to societal pressures.
Hmmmmm....makes me think of the photography industry. We've gone from plates, to film, to digital camera's, to no film, to electronic devices, to now Photoshop & cloud storing. There was a time of tactical appreciation for capturing a moment in time. You could pick up a picture, flip through a photo album & appreciate a photo on the wall. NOW? Society wants it now, with no regard to quality, just the latest technology that's the fastest...the easiest...the most convenient. Industries dissolve as time passes. But, to allow impulsivity to define character, class & respect for gifted artist by replacing them with self-serving methods of operation is succumbing to society's demands. Roads that diverge in the woods....

Only do work that your family would love.
I tried to fill this mold for years, but by my basic nature I completely failed & fell short of their acceptable ways of living. I remember going to family reunions, where & my cousins, aunts & uncles sarcastically asking so what are you doing now? hahahaha. I replied with, "you can't keep up? I'm doing what I want! I'm not miserable doing something I hate." They all looked down & shut-up. Don't condemn someone because you don't understand their method of operation. It's their life. Family never has a clue.

Do whatever the client/customer/gallery owner/patron/investor asks.
Um...yeah. Note to bowing above & if your are the expert then...um...I guess they should be consulting you? This I know from my remodeling business. Clients have said, "well so & so said bla bla bla...and they are the expert." I replied with, "expert in what?" That's all well & good if it resolves the design project to meet your needs. BUT, does it?" Unless my art is created under criteria of a client, it's all about my interpretation. If it's created under the criteria of a client, it's all about EXCEEDING their criteria. Knowing the difference here determines the value of my end product....ah-ha! Maybe I am an expert in something?!

Set unachievable/overwhelming goals, to be achieved by tomorrow.

PERFECTIONIST in bed with PROCRASTINATION!! Definitely got this one mastered & I can truly say I am an expert in this! The ban of what I do...BUT, using the Laws of Attraction to counter my basic nature. I will prevail...maybe....hahahaha!

NOW, I think I'll go "craft" something...
...but not feel miserable.

Stepping Off Point

Have you ever been just sitting there & all of the sudden you feel like doing something nice for someone you care for? An inspirational or random act of kindness?

That's GOD talking to you through the Holy Spirit

Have you ever been down & out & nobody seems to be around for you to talk to ?

That's GOD wanting you to talk to Him.

Have you ever received something wonderful that you didn't ask for, like money in the mail, a debt that had mysteriously been cleared, or a coupon to a department store where you had just seen something your needed, but couldn't afford?

That's GOD knowing the desires of your heart.

Have you ever been in a situation & you had no clue how it was going to get better, how the hurting would stop, how the pain would ease, but now, you look back on it...

That's GOD passing us through tribulation to see a brighter day.

Do you think these things are accidental or explainable, just like reading this?

I recently terminated a commitment I thought I desperately needed in my life. Instead it brought more internal suffering & angst to my mind. The restlessness was becoming unbearable! Several days following what I thought was an innovative meeting & a beginning to a solid foundation in this relationship, I was suddenly left dumb-founded. Like a light had come on. Not really an ah-ha moment...but more of a WTF? kinda moment.

"Did I just give myself completely away without any regard

to my own needs?"

Feeling anxiety from what was appearing to be lack of judgement I ignored my inner insanity rambling inside my head & went about my day. I met up with a client & friend. It was a nice change of pace, as she drove, which was such a tremendously break from all the miles on put on my JETTA every day--I could just relax in the shot-gun position. We laughed & chatted & for some reason she interjected, 

"What's up Chica?"

I could hardly breathe...the lump in my throat was enormous! I wasn't giving a speech. I wasn't facing a firing squad. And without any effort, as obviously I was filled beyond any capacity of holding it in anymore, I asked her...

"You one said, I am one of the nicest people you have ever meet & worried about hurting me. Am I so nice that I am an easy mark to be taken advantage of?"

yes.

I couldn't see from the well of tears that began flowing out...

She asked what happened. I told her a summation of recent events that had brought me to this stepping off or falling down point in my life.

Now mind you, this woman is someone whom I highly respect for many reason's but primarily because of her candor & unwavering character.

She went on to admit it is hard sometimes when we do business, to not take advantage of me & my good nature. If we weren't such good friends, she probably would, because she's NOT going to be taken advantage of herself. She said she was a real bitch. I laughed at this point with joy, because she really defines the word bitch. She's not the stereotypical scary bitch you might envision...she's very generous, loving & intelligent. And she also has great insight & experience. I love her perspective!

I said, "Can I learn to be more of a bitch?"

She said, "Oh no honey! It's just who you are. And you are a really nice & generous woman who gives to much of herself. You need to learn to stand up for yourself & say no! You need to learn to get what's yours & take it! Crying ain't gonna help you. Going after what's yours, will. You won't be left a victim. I WILL NEVER BE A VICTIM." At this point she went on to share a very private stepping off point in her life as a young woman that changed her world & how she handled it. That point was when she decided to NEVER be a victim of anything or anyone again--and she said she hasn't. Truly a Carpe' Diem moment.

SO many things became very clear that afternoon.

SO many things I have denied myself because I was listening to people tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing.

SO many heart-aches & voices preaching restraint.

I'm kicking that shit to the curb--

With that decision I began to feel like the character from the mind of Shel Silverstein. 

It is me now peering over "Where the Sidewalk Ends".

My life has been filled with karma & irony as of late. There hasn't been a day that's gone by where I haven't found a penny. Stop lights are green & parking places are in front. And anytime I can skip a stone across the water, I do so while wishing for my purpose to become clear. I've always believed the more skips across the surface, the closer I am to that voice. That purpose. I'm always seeking clarity by trying to be present in my life. I've consciously made the effort to surround myself with less chaos & more order as some rational  means of minimizing distractions. I believe the more ripples I put in the water, the more that will eventually come back to me. God & nature's way of connecting our energies towards harmony.

With my regret & resignation, there was still a gap in my life.  No new insight to the  paralysis of seeking who I am. This resignation became the lightening rod to clarity of self I was seeking. 

That's GOD knowing the desires of your heart.

I knew what I needed to do but until now had no self worth in doing it. The more my purpose became clear, the more I avoided it. So many people have been telling me my whole life...

"You need to look out for yourself & not worry about anyone else...

or

"You need to give back all that you have received."

In either philosophy there wasn't any means of getting off the path.  

It was all or nothing. 

Black or white. 

Selfish or unconditional.

So ingrained.

BUT...at this point in my life, I feel like stepping off.

Pushing my chest out, extending my head back to face the sky, my shoulder blades wanting to touch, eyes closed in grace...a free fall...it would feel like rest to my mind.

I have spent so much time being everyone's cheerleader, I have lost myself. All the things that I have wanted for myself have been on the back burner for so long that I reached a point of just giving up & accepting my fate as being the guide for others. Being their inspiration. Their motivation. Their courage to step off. But, I am left with an empty void & exhausted. AND, in those moments, my children need me...or my business needs me...or my family & friends need me....something outside of me, needs me. Am I grateful for being surrounded by such love? Yes! But I have grown tired. I have grown hungry for what my heart screams. I've turned excitement for my passion into sorrow & sadness.

I must sit down & take in the view from the edge. Silence in the moment, before stepping off. I mean, let's be realistic, maybe I'm just loosing my mind! If so, then it is as He designed it & it is not for me to question. So I will sit down, take a load off & allow in what my heart is demanding of my head. To accept that never in my life have I truly steeped up & said, 

THIS IS what I love!

THIS IS what I need to do for myself & my children.

THIS IS my time to give the world what I believe I was meant to be.

THIS IS exactly as HE planned it!

I AM at that jumping off place...

This is unfamiliar territory. And for the first time I am actually jazzed & motivated to walk through it to see where it leads me. 

That's GOD passing us through tribulation to see a brighter day.

I believe letting go is the practice needed to commit to stepping off the edge of what has always been your life. It is the art needed before venturing into what you were destined to do...

if its not...you end up insane & not even having a clue....

With warm regards,

Lizzi