TIRED
And just like that, I’m tired.
My body feels heavy.
My breathing becomes shallow.
My mind gets fuzzy.
The words feel slurred and I struggle to find them.
Describing something becomes laborious.
There’s no yawning.
There’s no residual energy to draw myself away from sleep.
I’ll just close my eyes.
Wait.
I’ll set an alarm to make sure I wake up.
Setting the alarm tells me I’m ok.
But, I really need to lay down and put on my CPAP.
A nap is best served with good comfortable rest.
And that alarm?
Snooze. Snooze. Irritated. OFF!
The ‘when’ I wake up from here is anyone’s guess.
Even then, it’s anyone’s guess.
Turning the alarm off sends me to the bathroom.
The blankets are still warm, so, back to bed.
Because?
Because nothing is more important than allowing my body to rest.
And the bathroom trip is literally exhausting.
Yes it is.
It’s a physiological thing happening to me.
Even when I’ve slept for nearly a week.
And I’m still tired.
And my body is still so heavy.
And then, for no particular reason.
Not food or rest or will.
It all lifts.
And I feel like walking around ‘normal’ again.
For however long.
Who knows.
And just like that, it happens all over again.
I never know when.
Right in the middle of something, or a slow creep in.
Should it be medicated?
Well, it is.
Being tired can easily feed the peanut gallery of regrets and failures.
It can also send me down the rabbit hole of self berating.
It polishes irrationality.
I simply trudge on.
I thank my age, experience and lots of therapy.
It’s taught me to allow and be more present in the lows and their slumber.
It allows me to move through the chemical action my body is having.
To be doing the best I can with what I have.
That this is my ‘normal’, my reprieve.
My tired doesn’t have to be seen as a negative.
It’s the tired that relieves my anxiety, despair and hopelessness.
Being tired, in its randomness, is how my body responds.
Not listening to my body, I will always be on the losing end.
And there’s where that other fire, that unknown drive, a purpose comes in.
It’s voice say’s, “I don’t want to be on the losing end”.
I’d rather master what I’ve got and work with that!
Being present, in whatever is happening keeps me from going back, or regretting what’s here and now or fearing my tomorrow.
Right now, I’m not tired.
Right now, I’ve found the words.
Right now, IS my best.
Right now, I can.
Right now, I’m not tired.
I may get tired.
And if I do,
I will rest.
And that will be the best I can do.
This is only one part of me,
Doing the best I can,
With what I have.
Being the best me I can be…
Even if that means sleeping the day and often then some, away.
