Paid In Full

For the first time in over 16 years, I am finally free & clear of payments to my attorney. 
I wrote the final check today & just sat in utter silence that it's FINALLY OVER!
Let's just say that what started as a divorce, somehow rolled over into his second wife & seven years of legal wranglings......hence the 16 years of payments to my attorney. I bet your thinking, "holy shit, that must have been a big bill?" Oh fuck yeah! It's was a huge bill!
So big, I've lived far more conservatively than I'd like. 
So big, that I've struggled to keep my business afloat! 
So big, that not only have I sacrificed a lot, but so have my children. Which, when all this started, I only had one child, now I have three.
So big, it put me into an emotional space that separated me from my hopes & dreams.
So big, that had I not had this debt, my student loans certainly wouldn't exist.

I have become flat & matter of fact about the whole thing. It's just the weekly grind that I had to endure & be responsible for.
Was it all worth it? 
Ask my son.
Ask my husband & business partner.
Ask my other two children.
Ask my extended family.
But if you ask me, there's no amount of money that I wouldn't have worked for to protect my son. It's a long & horrid story.
One that brought me to my now. 
One that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. 
One that forever changed me.
 
Up until I wrote this check, it was a door I could never step through to breath in a new life & begin to listen to what that was. Every week. Every check was a reminder of what happened & how little control I had & how not to let it ruin my life. And I was pushed to the edge & willingly looked down with serious desire to delve into the distorted view, because it looked better than what I was going through. But by my own nature, something inside turned my heels & forced me to walk away. That was at the worst of it all. But, I stood up & took it. And then, just like that, it was over. She just left & the hell they'd been dragging me through stopped. I was left with massive debt. 
Check after check after check.....each one grateful to still have my son. 
Each one was a thank you for having representation. 
Each one a replay of decisions made, taken away, crushed. 
Each one a reminder how without one's will, without a choice, life can be steered horribly wrong & you've got to just hang on.

What have I learned?

That all the stuff that's brought me to my now has made me stronger, weaker, braver & curiouser.
That with facing forward & perseverance you CAN get to the end. 
With courage, despite when you've felt like all is lost, somehow the clouds part & all that has worth to you, is still intact & surrounding you.
That your word means so much more than the string of words put together. They can make or break you, inside & out. 
That money is a cruel & carnivorous beast that gobbles up some people, while forcing others to feed them. 
That love is sometimes completely squashed by anger. 
That hope can leave you & there's nothing more alone & desolate than loosing hope. 
That the statement "nothing a two cent bullet wouldn't take care of" makes sense. 
That there's nothing scarier than the feeling of loosing yourself & seeing how frightening it is to your children. 
That the best laid plans, hopes & dreams are personal motivators, but flexibility in the end, saves you.
That my children are all the things I am not & then some. They saved me in the end.
That people are good at pretending. And quite convincing at that. It's amazing what a belief can do-good & bad.

What will I do now?

Well, when facing something new that feels kinda scary, I consult my go to sources of guidance. In this case I think Dr. Seuss said it best......

Congratulations! 

Today is your day. 
You're off to Great Places! 
You're off and away! 

You have brains in your head. 
You have feet in your shoes 
You can steer yourself 
any direction you choose. 
You're on your own. And you know what you know. 
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go. 

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care. 
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there." 
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, 
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street. 

And you may not find any 
you'll want to go down. 
In that case, of course, 
you'll head straight out of town. 

It's opener there 
in the wide open air. 

Out there things can happen 
and frequently do 
to people as brainy 
and footsy as you. 

And when things start to happen, 
don't worry. Don't stew. 
Just go right along. 
You'll start happening too. 

OH! 
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! 

You'll be on your way up! 
You'll be seeing great sights! 
You'll join the high fliers 
who soar to high heights. 

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed. 
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. 
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best. 
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest. 

Except when you don' t 
Because, sometimes, you won't. 

I'm sorry to say so 
but, sadly, it's true 
and Hang-ups 
can happen to you. 

You can get all hung up 
in a prickle-ly perch. 
And your gang will fly on. 
You'll be left in a Lurch. 

You'll come down from the Lurch 
with an unpleasant bump. 
And the chances are, then, 
that you'll be in a Slump. 

And when you're in a Slump, 
you're not in for much fun. 
Un-slumping yourself 
is not easily done. 

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. 
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked. 
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin! 
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? 
How much can you lose? How much can you win? 

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right... 
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? 
Or go around back and sneak in from behind? 
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find, 
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind. 

You can get so confused 
that you'll start in to race 
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace 
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, 
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. 
The Waiting Place... 

...for people just waiting. 
Waiting for a train to go 
or a bus to come, or a plane to go 
or the mail to come, or the rain to go 
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow 
or waiting around for a Yes or a No 
or waiting for their hair to grow. 
Everyone is just waiting. 

Waiting for the fish to bite 
or waiting for wind to fly a kite 
or waiting around for Friday night 
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake 
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break 
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants 
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. 
Everyone is just waiting. 

NO! 
That's not for you! 

Somehow you'll escape 
all that waiting and staying. 
You'll find the bright places 
where Boom Bands are playing. 

With banner flip-flapping, 
once more you'll ride high! 
Ready for anything under the sky. 
Ready because you're that kind of a guy! 

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! 
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won. 
And the magical things you can do with that ball 
will make you the winning-est winner of all. 
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be, 
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV. 

Except when they don't. 
Because, sometimes, they won't. 

I'm afraid that some times 
you'll play lonely games too. 
Games you can't win 
'cause you'll play against you. 

All Alone! 
Whether you like it or not, 
Alone will be something 
you'll be quite a lot. 

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance 
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. 
There are some, down the road between hither and yon, 
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. 

But on you will go 
though the weather be foul 
On you will go 
though your enemies prowl 
On you will go 
though the Hakken-Kraks howl 
Onward up many 
a frightening creek, 
though your arms may get sore 
and your sneakers may leak. 

On and on you will hike 
and I know you'll hike far 
and face up to your problems 
whatever they are. 

You'll get mixed up, of course, 
as you already know. 
You'll get mixed up 
with many strange birds as you go. 
So be sure when you step. 
Step with care and great tact 
and remember that Life's 
a Great Balancing Act. 
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. 
And never mix up your right foot with your left. 

And will you succeed? 
Yes! You will, indeed! 
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.) 

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS! 

So... 
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray 
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, 
you're off to Great Places! 
Today is your day! 
Your mountain is waiting. 
So...get on your way! 

OH, the Places You'll Go!
By Dr. Seuss

Yup! That's what it will be, another journey to somewhere......Oh, the places I'll go!
Hence why I'm, lizzi-was-here!
I can never have enough appraciation or gratitude for all that stuck by me in this mostly alone road. It's nice to finally get off the same old worn out road going to nowhere. 
Love , ME!

Big Mouth

In all honesty, I don't pick up my mail on a daily basis anymore, because, let's face it, it's nothing but crap for the recycling bin & bills. The days of those coveted letters is long gone. But on that rare occasion when there's a  package, I get a bit apprehensive wondering what the hell I ordered but can't remember. Today I got a package in the mail. Delivered to the front door--the children were ecstatic thinking it may be for any one of them. I looked at the return address on this lightweight, but substantial size box my daughter needing her two arms to wrap around & someone to get the door so she could carry it in. In that moment, I found myself having to sit down. 

I just stared at it in utter awe. Silenced, as my heart was skipping a beat. "You've got to be kidding me!?" I said. My children were already elbowing each other over presenting me with a kitchen knife to cut open the box. They were all like, "what is it? How lucky for you mom!". And through the packing tape, and various pieces of bubble wrap (to which my daughter quickly snatched up for herself as to make her brothers beg to save some pops for them) was something wrapped in brown paper. I gently pulled the paper away & was utterly thrilled at a big-mouthed frog! Made of terracotta (a favorite) vibrantly hand painted. But it was the note that brought the tears.....


"I'm Lost For Words, 
Even With My Big Mouth"

The Art Workmanship
Thought of you Lizzi, couldn't pass it by.
Love & Hugs, 
Julie


Over the last few months, I've grown weary in my hope & energy. I've been chalking it up to an exhausting summer with my children, the crazy weather & running a business. Plus, it's the last 3 weeks building up to the return to school & every time I hear the word, "BORED" I want to scream! My daily intentions are to just get through.....school will be here soon. Just hang on! The fantasy of a noon time bloody mary would definitely contribute to a brief hiatus from the "B" word. And so it goes.....

Being the recipient of such an amazing & thoughtful gift, to me is absolutely priceless, & I am humbled. And in this awkward humility, I am struggling to accept such generosity. I don't feel like I've done anything extraordinary or worthy. I'm obviously wrong.

My very dear & long time friend was compelled to randomly gift me something because it reminded her of me. There's is no greater compliment. It's because of friends that we are able to muddle through the hard times. It's a random act of kindness that was more than profound & has all kinds of laughter & meaning behind the words & the frog. It's a reminder that what was once a negative, crushing the soul of someone, is now a humbling reminder that we are all human. We are all learning. We are all growing. And everything in our journey, good, bad & ugly, brings us to our now! That it's our friends whom we trust most for the gentle nudges, guideposts & reminders, of life looking at it from the outside. Her now & my now have endured some more than difficult times. Very different in circumstance, but painful no less. 

I am feeling a bit competitive, now that I have a real big mouth in my studio. With each glance of it, I am reminded that our voices are important. That what we have to say deserves the respect to be heard. And even if it comes out sideways or slant ways or wrong ways, it's still our voice. I couldn't bare the thought of utter silence in my life & I am pained by friends I know who carry around such a burden. We all have a torch to carry in some form. They need more love & understanding than others. Or, a big mouth!

Thank you, dear friend for reminding me, that just when the load feels too heavy to carry, there's a friend right there to share in the journey. Whether that be near or far, they understand. Birds of a feather I say. I am blessed to have many big mouths in my life & I wouldn't change any of them. No matter how big or small their mouths!

I dedicate this post to my life long friend, Julie....the awesomest big mouth I know. It's been a long road & we've still got a long ways to go. Thank you for everything!
Love, ME!

Running Away

When I run away from my life, it's down back roads & blue highways I've not yet traveled. And it's in a direction I would not normally go. And I roll the windows down, blaring the music nearly to a point of distortion. And I sob & hate & laugh & yell & swear at the road in front of me. And when I'm really beyond my limits of sorting anything out, I shout at the Universe with much regret, but intentional impulsivity, "curse you!". I know I shouldn't, but I do. Fuck the ripple effect from this ever so brief ranting against the issues I perceive as out of control. And eventually, the rush of emotions empties from me & I find myself with incredible views, able to smell the air & feel the wind in my truck.

The thing is, when you run away, its impulsive & necessary. I mean, I could go down to the neighborhood bar & grill & drown my sorrows in bar food & drinks, which I've racked up many hours & dollars & hangovers in my lifetime thus far. Or I can just let out the range of emotions & slide into a "burning of the carbon", & have it drive me to a clarity in my mind, body & soul.

After all that there is this stumbling out of those miles. They turn themselves itself into a stopping point. A place you happen upon where the energy connects with you so much, you literally stop, and get out. Usually, it's serene & quiet. Void of the noises & cursers of people & life. That stop can be just like this bend in the river above. I've never been here but certainly feel this strange connection. This comfortable, "I've been here" kind of energy. I assume it comes from knowing the artist? This photographer captured a moment. It truly is his experience & place. And this river is of course somewhere off some back road, some blue highway that he stumbled upon. The temporary conditions captured ever so briefly, only to dissolve as his day began. I'm inclined to ask, so I could take myself there, but I think I'd rather let the rare chance, or fate, that at some point in another random emotional upheaval, my cleansing drive will ironically lead me here! To that mysterious bend in a river, seen through an artist's eye & captured in a skilled photographer's frame. And now I know, that when I can't get away, no matter how desperately I need to, I've got a place that calls to me & lets me know, this to shall pass. Like the flow of the river & its bends, it's over time that things change.

But for today, I am content in my stay. I am grateful for those who are close to me in my life, the struggles I have are really few & manageable. And no matter what, I know I really don't have to go far to get a perspective of something much greater than me or my moods. I know that through art, the artist & these snap-shots into nature, I will be provided all I need to reflect, understand & heal.



Photographer, John Peters