Not Gonna Be Locked Up

READ

RE-READ THIS! 

NOW...READ AGAIN!!

Any questions?

perspective

Just like that the sun disappeared & the blue & black clouds rolled in with their billowing hang in the air. An ominous moving mass, heavy & loaded with precipitation. The temperature didn't drop, but the wind certainly picked up. Quickly we scurried into the house waiting for hell to blow over...which it did as quickly as it blew in. 


The rushing water was still pouring down the driveways into the streets while the clouds busted apart & began letting the suns rays push back through. It wasn't a particularly warm rain, as it was only late May in Minnesota, but the ground was hot from the unseasonably sweltering ninety-two-degree day. The air felt steamy as the winds left. 


Some things never change...out into the ending mist I romp with my children to stomp in the puddles & let the dwindling rushing water pass around my feet. I trudge into the gutter & became a barrier against the water. As I looked down, for whatever reason, it caught my eye. There I was. Or, should I say, my Peter Pan shadow rippled on  the surface in front of me. Time at that moment had no boundary. There was no clear picture of this person who's reflection touched from my toes. Just a rippling, waffling shadow of someone.


Most days that's how I feel. That's my perspective on my life. Just this shape of a person, obviously solid in form, but with an outer edge that morphs & changes with the surrounding environment. An analogy of my life danced in the water flowing past me in the gutter...who am I?


Perspective is like karma, it presents itself in the most everyday moments. Here I stand reveling in creating a rapid in the chilly water, regressing into my childhood feeling free & connected with the spring rain! Stomping & splashing in the water like it was the first time & I am stopped by my reflection of my shadowy-self. Things that make you go hhhmmm.


Some might have stopped & said their silhouette looks pretty good in that shadow or they see themselves as taller. Some would not notice that shadow at all. Yet others would kick water into it as if to make it disappear, disgusted with their reflection. Their transference of self. For me I internalize the connection to my feet & am tickled inside with the fleeting thought of Dr. Suess in this almost nonsensical moment with "Oh, the Places You'll Go". 

"You have brains in your head.

 You have feet in your shoes.

 You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

 You're on your own.

 And you know what you know.

 And YOU are the gal who'll decide where to go...

 Oh the Place You'll Go!"

And with that moment, it fleets away as quickly as the water, as I move to create a damn with my feet so the water rushes up too my shins! My children are impressed...and in that present moment of my being, my shadow has lost my attention as quickly as it had caught it.


But upon later reflection, it gave me food for thought in really who am I & how does my perspective influence me? Is it intertwined with experience? Does it influence automatically like my lungs breath & my heart pumps blood? Or is it intentional critical thought? Did I transcend from being an observer to being an inquirer? A questioner? A critical thinker? 


Not likely...just easily distracted & I have the innate ability to see things in a different way. They have diagnosed me with ADHD, so there's my claim to distractability fame. 


Kinda rolls off the tongue fun doesn't it!
"Claim to distractability fame" (LOL!)


Maybe it was the drug use in the earlier years? 
   That affects everything. 
Maybe it's all the prescription meds I took to make me not have such a distorted perspective?
To grasp reality better & function on a more even playing field.
Residual? 
   Could be?
Flashbacks?
   Not anymore, thank God!!


NNNAAAAAAHHHH....it's just who I am & how I am evolving, 
I say to me...Right on Chica'! And trudging in the rain swollen gutters with blurts of...
Oh the Places I'll Go!
(Let's hope I ALWAYS make it back...)

OMG!

OMG!

OMG!

OMG!

OMG!

OMG!

OMG!

OMG!

OMG!

OMG! OMG! OMG!

* This is my Blog & this post was completely for ME! hehe :)

Irony & I Should Of Had A Clue

This depicts my life lesson day today...only I didn't kick Calvin's Ass!! 
But that is EXACTLY what I wanted to do! EXCEPT...it wasn't Calvin.


IRONY presents itself so often, at the most inopportune moments.


IRONY: PART 1
I ventured into this P/T job "for all the right reason's". Despite being warned by a trusted friend, "not to even go there with that person. They are an absentee owner & pretty messed up in the head!" 
Did I listen?
NO....
I was telling my parents about this adventure & my father was shaking his head for the bazillianth time thinking exactly what my mother said out loud... "Two Weeks! We give you two weeks before you quit!"
Hahahaahaha....you guys are so funny. No really, this is gonna be a perfect solution; hours don't interfere with the husbands sleep schedule, work schedule, he can get the children off to school those days & even though the pay is what I was making back in 1987....it will cover my daughters gymnastic tuition. It's win-win.
Yup! 
Win-Win...




IRONY: PART 2
When I worked two hours & was told she would get back to me on the schedule...
I should of had a clue.


When the next day, my second day of work, that wasn't on the schedule, because I still hadn't gotten it, would have been my second day of training, turned into my second day of work & training myself kind-of-day, because the other P/T, who was to sick to work, couldn't work, asked me to work, AND since I am most likely gonna work, because it's about making extra money, I said, "yeah, I'll work"...
I should of had a clue.


When the owner text me at 9:00pm the night before my second day of work, not scheduled, with 2 hours of training, and wanted to know if I had a key to open...
I should of had a clue.


When I asked if I couldn't open up the door because the key was sticky, "what should I do?", I was told to call someone who would get up @ 4:30am, because it's not her! She has a day job.
I should of had a clue.


When I then inquired about the best way to reach her, the boss/owner, in case I couldn't work, for whatever reason, I was told "to work it out amongst myself & my co-workers"...
I should of had a clue.


When I was cleaning the bathroom & on top of the toilet was a plate of inspirational stones: HOPE, LOVE, PEACE, SERENITY
All lying in a bed of muted earthen colored pebbles, how peaceful. I noticed, tucked into the corner of those serene pebbles, were two pennies...her 2 Cents WORTH?
I should of had a clue.


When the P/T'er asked me two days later to switch days...
I should of had a clue.


When the only person, the F/T'er, who knew more of what to do than the boss/owner, announced on my third day of work, on a schedule that I still did not have, she put in her two weeks notice...
I should of had a clue.


When I saw all the previous years taxes, ledger & business financials just tossed into the filing cabinet...
I should of had a clue.


When the boss/owner posted a random inquiry on her Facebook page seeking a buyer for a business under $45, which was the almost exact amount of debt against the business, which were laying in the filing cabinet next to the Energy Shake Mixes & pedometers...
I should of had a clue.


When the first payroll check was short hours & made no possible sense to how those hours were determined...
I GOT A CLUE!

IRONY: PART 3

Dear Boss/Owner,

I am submitting my two weeks notice...

SO, I made it two weeks before quitting...then worked my notice! SO THERE!

When the boss/owner's reply was a day later as, "K"...

I definitely had a clue.

When the second pay check was short hours, it wasn't about having a clue, it was now about SHIT JUST HIT THE FAN~!!

That long story that I can summate into this:

She's been a business owner 6.5 months

I've been a business owner 11.5 years

Let's just say I got my paychecks rectified...quickly. 
Despite being unfriended on Facebook & LinkedIn--really?!

IRONY: PART 4
SO what is all this rambling about you may ask.


I SHOULD of had a clue.
I WOULD of had a clue.
I COULD of had a clue.


Should-a, Would-a, Could-a. Repeating another life lesson. It finally dawned on me today that ironically I seem to repeat this lesson about every decade. You'd think after 46 years I'd see it coming? Although, my mother says with each decade it matters less about them & more about us, as individual women. So I can certainly look forward to my 50's with the clarity & attitude of a mature woman who COULD give two shits about your crap--it's my life!

Irony Is
My Last Will & Testament: add to my epitaph the above image.


SO, if  I am to accept this lesson, which history has predicted it will probably be presented again in the next decade, hhhhhmmmmmm...maybe I should grab a Corona while I ponder this & do this kind of reflecting. 
(I think better drinking Corona Light with lime)


1) REFLECTING upon the influencers of my life
2) REGARDING the female influencers that made profound negative affects to my life.
3) RESULTS of those influences
4) LESSON learned or not learned


1-10 yrs
My first babysitter: I hate peas to this day. But, I have learned to eat them when in certain situations--you know, weddings, funerals, visiting relatives.
A Nun at Assisi Heights (instructor for an art class): I ALWAYS color outside the lines...especially when told NOT too! My creative success comes from the push against criteria, when it can be defended & explained in an articulate manner justifying your reasoning's to actually become new criteria. It has proven successful in all work I produce for clients or myself.


11-20 yrs
Cheerleaders in high school: it's not what you know, it's who you know. So, I got to know people that could influence...although much later in life. And eventually realized I wouldn't have personality wise made a very good cheerleader. Would not have been a good lily pad so -to-say.


21-30 yrs
First live-in boyfriends mother: NEVER think, no matter how crazy the man's mother is, that they will choose you over their mother! NEVER! Crazy mother's raise mother dependent boys. When these mother's from love you like their own daughter, be prepared to then be easily thrown to the wolves & turned out into the cold in the blink of an eye. So always be able to land on your feet like a cat & NEVER, NEVER, EVER, concern yourself with men & their mother's drama...it's been there since birth & will never go away. Just let her make that special food item & eat it with a smile.


31-40 yrs
Decorator/Boss: I was an interim for the last boss that got fired until the company could buy out a local decorator as part of the deal to acquire her clients (which I found out about after she was hired). I was ranked in the top ten company-wide in sales, longest staffer in the department & did all the department display work--apparently I was a threat. Bye-Bye Lizzi! I learned many, many years later, that not all lily pads are the ones we are suppose to be on & when your light & talent are brighter & shinier than the boss, you may easily end up in the unemployment line. But, being a business owner/designer now, she has shown respect for me because NOW she wants my business. My dad always said be careful how you treat people & what bridge you burn, it may be the one that leads to them being  your boss one day & vice-versa. Good advice. (PS I do use her for business, because despite what she did to me, she is the most experienced in town at what she does...I'm not a stupid!) Forgiveness.
Mentor/Friend: I roped myself into a project I did not have any experience or knowledge in doing. I consulted the one lady I felt could best advise me because of her experience. She gave me no discernible advice & made her disgust & angst known. I have spoken very little to her since. After 20 years, I was more heart-broken that she took away the friendship, as well as completely disappointing me professionally. I decided that I would not allow her to define me or hold me back, I took off the blinders & used my head to complete the project...with outstanding & long-lasting results. NO regrets!


41-46 yrs
Ex-Husband's Ex Wife: She destroyed what tiny amicable relationship I had with my ex. Subjected my child to things I will never be able to repair or undo. Almost broke me emotionally & financially. Almost lost my romantic relationship, college degree, business & sanity. I decided, like a cog clicking into place, that she could no longer have that power over me. She is now and ex-wife. My child is now free of her horrid dealings. My ex husband is still an asshole, and I'm almost financially clear of the legal fees. No woman will ever, EVER, threaten me or my family legally like that again. EVER!! 


AND FINALLY, we complete the story with what we began with...the P/T job where,
I should of had a clue. 
I stood up, said FUCK YOU, PAY ME! 
I stood up & said, you're a piece of shit who won't do to me what you did to all the other woman of your business.
I stood up & said I hold you accountable for your actions.
I stood up & said this is not my failure or problem, it's all yours.
I stood up, without question & decided from the heart, that the failure of this woman, was only a reflection of some of my own shortcomings & a chance for me to release the woes that I have been subjected to.
I am standing here to proclaim I have worth. I have talents. I am an open heart who shares willingly. BUT I WILL NOT be taken advantage of... consciously...maybe intentionally, depending on the circumstances, but in relation to the negative generality of being taken advantage of, I will stand up now & say your barking up the wrong tree.


IRONICALLY, I HAVE a clue now.