My Chaotic Chi Place

This is one for Universe/God/Spirit...

Didn't really recognize this divine place I am moving towards. 

This calm. 

In the midst of my chaotic,middle of my day, when the schedule really starts to heat up, I was apologized to for "them" having taken up my time, because they know how busy I am. And as naturally & matter-of-factly I said, just like that, "no worries, as it's all good. My life is mostly in disarray, from sun-up to sun-down, & this new found bliss or calm you hear in my voice, is "my chaotic chi place". So what's up? There's always time for you!".

It was a couple hours later that I realized how prolific what I just said was! 
Did I just unconsciously slide right into an ephiphany? 

In that moment I had absolutely no influence from my past--no little voice inside my head telling me, 

"you don't do this"
 or 
"you don't do that"
or
"your never gonna get it done".
bla bla bla - - -

Instead, there was this moment to which only could have happened because I was actually being present. 

I was being present in the moment!

HOLY BALLS!!

Anyone who knows me, knows me as the a person with FAR TO MANY THINGS going on. 

Doors open !!

Drawers open !! 

Never-ending TO-DO list !!

The "HOW DO YOU DO IT?!" list.

The - "How do you raise three kids?"

The - "How do you not collapse?"

The - "When do you sleep?"

The - "I can't believe you get all that done in a morning?!!"

The - "AND, you run a business?"

The - "When do you take time for you?"

It's a huge never-ending list of inquiries. And you know what I discovered? 

All this time, I've been searching for time, when the time I was wasting, looking for time, was the time I should have been present & engaging as me!

Did you catch that? Let me say it again only louder!!

All this time, I've been searching for time, when the time I was wasting, looking for time, was the time I should have been present & engaging as me! 

My life is me! 
I am living the life I created. 
That's about me. 
I've had the perspective wrong all this time. 
I've spent SO MUCH time trying to carve out time for "me time" , when it was me just trying to get away from me! 
I guess it is easier to say mommy time

or

lizzi time

or

girl-friend time
or 

a small get-away time
or 
quiet time...
All definitely me-time, but really, me time is every single minute of every-single-day!

How could I be missing so much? 

My perspective changed.

The way I looked at things changed.

The way I internalized things changed.

The gratitude I feel in my heart, changed.

NO, I'm not a decade older either. (That actually crossed my mind--"did I just turned 50 or something, have a change in life & miss the last 4 years?) But, no. It wasn't a milestone that gave me moment to pause & be in receipt of this tremendous view...

It was that single moment, in my everyday life, that I was present for...and listening...


I was present for & listening.

PAY ATTENTION...geez

I know someone who always follows their ramble with, "does that make sense?" So, not only do I have to be responsible for what I was saying, but now I HAVE TO understand everything they were saying?..geez.


I've learned that so often, more than not, friends or business associates really don't want your opinion, they just want your attention. For you to listen. To listen enough, that your following in case they actually throw into the conversation, "well what do you think?" or "don't you agree?" 


( Shit! )
Think fast! 


"Well I wasn't quite clear on the last part?!"


OR


"Oh, I just want you to be (happy, completely resolved, relieved...a verb that fits the conversation), all the while offering the repeating non-verbal gesture of empathy...unless your on the phone, then it would be the nonsensical noises...uh-huh, yah, oh!, really?, oh yes, mmmmmm, oooohhhh!.


This is for those days that I'm just, to, tired, mentally, physically or spiritually. Otherwise I make the truest effort to be present & engaged in the conversation. 


BECAUSE....
KARMA will kick your ass every single time!! 


This does not mean if for some ADHD reason, which I am prone too, if I drift off, get distracted or loose interest, am I responsible for you understanding what I am saying & vice-versa. See how cool that is? You get off the hook too!


So now that we have cleared that up, I don't have to ask you "does that make sense?" Because, well, it's your job to understand. 


What a load off my shoulders....

I Want What She's Having

I have a new delightful friend,

I am most in awe of her. 

When we first met I was impressed,

By her bizarre behavior.

That day I had a date with friends,

We met to have some lunch.

Mae had come along with them,

All in all...a pleasant bunch.

When the menus were presented,

We ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups.

Except for Mae who circumvented,

And said, Ice Cream, please: two scoops.

I was not sure my ears heard right,

And the others were aghast.

Along with heated apple pie,

Mae added, completely unabashed.

We tried to act quite nonchalant,

As if people did this all the time.

But when our orders were brought out,

I did not enjoy mine.

I could not take my eyes off Mae,

As her pie a-la-mode went down.

The other ladies showed dismay,

They ate their lunches silently, and frowned.

Well, the next time I went out to eat,

I called and invited Mae.

My lunch contained white tuna meat,

She ordered a parfait.

I smiled when her dish I viewed,

And she asked if she amused me.

I answered, Yes, you do,

But also you confuse me.

How come you order rich deserts,

When I feel I must be sensible?

She laughed and said, with wanton mirth,

I am tasting all that's possible.

I try to eat the food I need.

And do the things I should.

But life's so short, my friend, indeed,

I hate missing out on something good.

This year I realized how old i was,

She grinned, I've not been this old before.

So, before I die, I've got to try,

Those things for years I had ignored.

I've not smelled all the flowers yet,

There's too many books I have not read.

There's more fudge sundaes to wold down,

And kites to be flown overhead.

There are many malls I have not shopped,

I've not laughed at all the jokes.

I've missed a lot of Broadway Hits,

And potato chips & cokes.

I want to wade again in water,

And feel ocean spray upon my face.

Sit in a country church once more,

And thank God for It's grace.

I want peanut butter every day,

Spread on my morning toast.

I want un-timed long-distance calls,

To the folks I love the most.

I've not cried at all the movies yet,

Nor walked in the morning rain.

I need to feel wind in my hair,

I want to fall in love again.

So, if I choose to have desert,

Instead of having dinner.

Then should I die before night fall,

I'd say I died a winner.

Because  missed out on nothing,

I filled my heart's desire.

I had that final chocolate mousse,

Before my life expired.

With that, I called the waitress over,

I I've changed my mind, it seems.

I said, I want what she's having,

Only add some more whipped-cream!

This was emailed to me decades ago by a college room-mate & friend. I have no idea who the author is, but it is how I have always naturally lived my life. Now that I am older, it doesn't bother me when people comment, frown or stare. I know that I am present & living life & not missing thing! 

PS I do get regular check-ups with my family med Dr. & my dentist...and I'm very healthy, despite eating desert, first!

...can you keep up?

Most days all I can say is, "there goes Lizzi! i'll catch up with you later then...". And just like that, that one person who had metaphorically divided, somehow comes back together by end of the day. 


This is LIVIN'! 

When I look at this little Jack Russell, he shows no signs of stopping! Can you see the end of the fence line? 


This is my life! 


It's blurry looking that far back, just like the distant fence line.  Moving forward I am continually building speed. I feel like I am just starting to get to a top speed & will soon be setting a pace. Going towards somewhere, of which I have not determined. Kind-of like when someone says they are still trying to find themselves.

I feel pretty awesome that I have been listening & engaged enough to recognize when the gate opened & didn't hesitate to run like hell & not look back!

All these years I've been sitting around basically waiting for someone to open the gate...when in all reality it was always about me doing it, not someone else! Funny how life is, when it can bite you in the ass like that & leave you feeling good from it, huh?!